CBII Book 1: The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman - (The Good One)

The name of my book is The Graveyard Book. It is about a boy named Bod who grows up in a greveyardbecause his parents got killed by someone named the Man Jack who is actually Mr. Frost. Bod learns how to faid haunt and dream walk. His guardian is Silas. Silas brings Bod his food and clothes. Bod learns the ways of the graveyard by being taught by the ghosts.

My favourite character is Liza Hemstock. She is a ghost witch. I like her because she is a witch and is magical. She died by the villiagers in her town. She wouldn't say she was a witch but the villiagers wanted proof so they dumped her in the pond and if she didn't hold her breath she was a witch. She held her breath because she didn't want to let tham know. But they they still wanted proof but would rather be safe and they burnt her alive but right before they she cursed them and a couple of days later the plague came and most of the villagers died and the curse came true.

The main characters are Bod (short for Nobody Owens) Silas (Bod's guardian) and Jack Frost who is of the Man Jack race. Jack Frost and the other Man Jacks want to kill Bod becuase they know that if Bod was to grow up he would rid the world of the Man Jack race. The Man Jack race are people who kill to find Bod.

CBII: It Was Something Yellow: Book 4 - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams

I've got to admit, I've heard a lot about Doulas Adam's The Hitchhicker's Guide To The Galaxy and most of it sits determinedly on the favourable side of the fence. Of course I was expecting to be blown away within the first ten minutes of the book but maybe I would have enjoyed it more as a radio broadcast. You see, this is how the book came into existance. Originally it was an episodic radio broadcast done in Britain and was then picked up and published an a variety of incorrect ways. Chapters were published out of order or were missing entirely, parts of book two were mashed into book one and so forth. In the forward to the book (which is the entire collection), Adams explains the journey that results in this edition The Trilogy Of Four. He aslo assures us that this is indeed the correct version and should be trusted implicitly.

The Hitchhicker's Guide revolves around Arthur Dent who is a wholly unremarkable individual and a friend of his that goes by the name of Ford Prefect. Arthur's house is about to be demolished this morning to make way for a new expressway but it takes Arthur a good while to remember why he should pay attention to the yellow "things" outside his house. Of course, once he remembers what is supposed occur today, he promptly rushes outside, plops himself in the mud in front of a bulldozer and commences arguing with the local bereaucrat. Meanwhile his supposed cousin Ford Prefect (who is actually a not so cleverly disguised writer for The Guide) has recieved a signal that warns him that he should vacate Earth post-haste. In a moment of uncharacteristic generousity, he decides to take Arthur for one last drink. He proceeds to convince Arthur to stop his muddy protest and also, somehow, coerces the bereaucrat to take Arthur's place. Arthur and Ford adjourn to the local pub where Ford lets it be known that the Earth is going to be destroyed in about fifteen minutes. Also, he wishes to know if Arthur has brought his towel as The Guide is insistant that all a hitchhiker needs is a towel as ,if one has a towel, he must have all the other items needed for travelling the galaxy. It's at this point that the Bulldozers level Arthur's house and the spaceships show up. You see, the Earth is slated for demolition in order to build a new intergalactic expressway. The Earth is destroyed and our travellers wake up in a darkend room somewhere else.

All in all The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is decently entertaining. Adams focuses on the interactions of the characters and the witty dialogue between them to carry the story. In many instances he'll back-fill the story with flashbacks or Guide entries in order to flesh-out characters or give context to their situation. There is a lot of wit and humor in this book but the level of whimsy is off the charts. In spots it seemed to me that the humour was a bit out of place and served nothing more that an oppourtunity to be funny. Indeed, the funniest parts of the book are the Guide entries. While I would chuckle at times within the rest of the story, The Guide entries are hilarious because they are totally deadpanned and serious which is more to my taste. Also, I felt like nothing happend for the first 150 pages or so except the characters blathering at each other. I actually had to force myself to keep going and that is quite rare for me. That being said I'm sure that The Hitchhiker's Guide is perfectly servicable for many people and I'm not going to give up on it either. I just hope something happens in the next book. The Restaraunt At The End Of The Universe.

Hindsight is 20/20 Proof

DISCLAIMER: I'm drunk. Therefore you may not correct me on spelling, grammar, punctuation or any of that kind of bullshit. If you do, I swear to the God of Kidney Punching (his name is Peeblood) I will hunt you down, tear off your proboscus, grind it into Rosie O'Donnell's anus and re-attach it to your face.

I bitch about my Job a lot. That's because my job can, at times, suck a bunch of ass. This isn't any different from your job. Indeed it would seem to be rather normal given the blogs, status updates, stories and testimonials I've perused. But, just this once, I'm gonna give some props to the bosses that, on a few occassions, make this job the most fucking epic profession that one could ever work in.


As most of you are aware, I'm a public sevant. As most of you are also aware, I'm on the management side of that service and am in a small office that only has a minimal buffer twixt me and the idiocy. Therefore I get to deal with all the Cuntsicles, Twatwaffles, Dorksnorklers and Guntgarglers that walk through the door on a day to day basis. Sometimes I get lucky and they've actually showered.  Many a time these instances of crease-funk may actually get to talk to my bosses (which is really quite easy) but I try to do my duty to filter the piss out of the pool so as to save them from this terrible fate. Usually, I tell my bosses that these people don't need to come to Council because their complaints are frivolous, ridiculous and cunninglinguous and therefore don't need to be heard. One Councillor, above all, used to listen to my advice; and one Councillor, above all, used to tell me to go fuck myself. It is this ignorant, depraived, loutish sample of humanity that I hated. He was also the best boss I've ever had.

In my profession, you usually have seven bosses (yay democracy!) and it is extremely rare to be told that you're doing a good job (much like you). It's not because these people are your bosses. It's because they are so un-used to giving any sort of praise whatsoever they don't know how to do it. So, really,  it's nice to hear: "Godammit I've been looking to replace you since you got here." Now, that statement is kind of true.

Every time we went to a convention, he would always ask a bunch of Administrators: "Are you looking for a job, because this prick is useless." The brilliant part of this equation is that my reponse would invariably be along the lines of "Don't listen to this old cunt, he still thinks dial-up gets you a hooker." Or: "We're looking for another Administrator, please take the job!" To which I would say: "Shut-up you senile, old, twat! No one else is stupid enough to work for you." Then we would laugh with the greatest of mirth.

It was glorious. We had those other motherfuckers in the room on tilt! How could an employee speak to his boss so? Well, trust pervertedness, hate and respect. We knew that we could be perfectly blunt with each other and it wouldn't be taken personally. We knew immediately that if something was said in confidence, it was kept between the two of us. Seriously, how many jobs have you had, where you could call your boss a cunt and come to work the next day without fear of retribution? We started a shitstorm of gossip! Administraors couldn't believe I'd work for that municipality. Councillors wouldn't believe that an employee would speak to one of them like that. We had such a laugh.

So this evening, as we've polished off the better part of a 40 of rum, he told me "You know, I didn't want to, but we would have paid to keep you." And  I replied, "If I still had to work with you, it wasn't enough." We laughed: but I wonder.....

(End drunken ramble)

CBII: Medicated Ointment Edition: Book 3 - Day By Day Armageddon - J.L. Bourne

What's really interesting about this book is that its essentially an edited version of a web series that Mr. Bourne wrote detailing the day by day struggles of the protagonist in a zombie infested world. I think that the web series worked especially well because the book is written in diary form and therefore lends itself to sometimes short, daily entries and mild cliffhangers. The translation to book form worked decently  as all you have to do is take all the entries and put covers on both sides. Day By Day Armageddon is a light read as its a breezy 200 pages but if your looking for somthing revelatory, this isn't the place you'll find it.

Our hero is nameless as the story is written entirely in the first person (as it should be) so I will hereforth refer to him as Billy Bob. Billy Bob is a Navy Pilot who is stationed at a base in San Antonio, Texas and is pretty much your standard military type. He's also moved around a lot, hasn't made any close friends and does his duty. Then things start happening in China (why always China? /rhetorical question). People start to get sick with a strange disease which has piqued the curiosity of the American Government and Military so they decide to send "help". Of course some of the Americans are infected and brought home for treatment and study and the chain reaction begins. Billy Bob is immediately suspisious upon hearing of this disease and starts preparing for the worst. He buys supplies, fortifies his house and ignores the perceived saftey of his military base. Quickly things get out of control and the news media begins reporting on the sick people roaming the streets attacking anyone within  snacking distance. Billy Bob is all alone in his house/bunker to face the horror of the undead.

I don't know anything about Bourne, or if he has other works, but his writing style is very simple. The description of the physical appearance of people, places and events isn't very deep and it's sometimes difficult to get a clear picture of what he is trying to convey. The story is nothing new and doesn't add to the zombie cannon as much as take what is already known and been done and rehash it within a different context. There was one delighful surprise that I've never read in any other zombie fiction (I will admit that my experience is limited) which deals with the American reaction to the hoards that I really did enjoy. I didn't feel any of the terror or helplessness that the characters in the book did and I certainly didn't have any "oh, my god" moments. Nonetheless Day By Day Armageddon is an fun little read, if you're not looking for anything new, and have a few hours to kill with some zombie fluff.

CBII: Where Did This Rash Come From: Book 2 - The Law of Nines - Terry Goodkind

Terry Goodkind is an author who is perhaps best known for his Sword Of Truth Series. In fact, I believe that that particular series of books are the only ones he has written until The Law Of Nines. I'm quite a fan of Goodkind. I own all his books, have read them twice and have invested many years of my life to see the conclusion of the Sword of Truth saga. I would dare say that I love the series with all it's flaws, yawns and foibles so it was without hesitation that I grabbed his new book off of the shelf with an "oooooh" of delight. After blasting through it in about six hours I've come to a conclusion: I've been here before.


Firstly, *POTENTIAL SPOILERS* there, now that that is out of the way.....Alex is your mostly normal, everyday, run of the mill young man. There's nothing overly exceptional about him other than that he is a fairly gifted artist with a penchant for painting landscapes. Then, one day, he saves an unusually attractive woman from being run over by a plumbing truck driven by a couple of guys that look like pirates.   After speaking with one of the arresting officers, he strikes up a conversation with this stunning woman named Jax (she's named after the game) and he decides to take her to a local gallery that is showing some of his artwork. Jax is immesurably moved by one of his paintings and he is immediately smitten. Telling Alex that she has really to leave she begins to walk away and vanishes in a crowd. Alex then goes to his grandfather's house to visit as it is Alex's twenty-seventh birthday. His grandfather gives him an envelope that was supposed to go first to his father on his twenty-seventh birthday(who passed away prior to said birthday) then his mother on her twenty-seven birthday (who was institutionalized before she turned twenty-seven) and has now come to him as he is last in the line of succession.

The envelope tells Alex that he has inherited a large swath of land that has some very specific rules attached to it and that he has one year to decide what he wishes to do with the land. Alex decideds to take some time to consider what to do and goes to visit his mother in the mental hospital. She proceeds to tell him some very strange things and he notices a news story that tells him the two officers he met previously at the accident scene were found in an alley with their necks broken. He then he runs into Jax again, who proceeds to tell him some very strange things and that he is the only one tha can help her. Upon returning to his grandfather's house to find it in flames, Alex decides that he needs to get to the bottom of what's going on. Strange things are happening and people are starting to get hurt.

I have to say that I really did enjoy the book. It was tightly paced and contained plenty of action while progressing the story without sacrificing character development. If you liked Goodkind's Sword of Truth series, you'll definately enjoy The Law of Nines, becuase that's what it is; The Sword of Truth. There is absolutely nothing new here. It has the same characters (but with different names), the same villians, (but with different names), the same motivations (but on a different planet). The only difference was that where Richard used a sword, Alex uses a Glock. I was quite disappointed that Goodkind didn't try something different like a supernatural thriller or some such. Please don't misunderstand, if you enjoy Goodkind, you will definately enjoy Wizard's First Glock. I'm willing to give him another shot with book two to see if he does go in a different direction, but really, Alex Rahl and Jax Amnell? Give me a fucking break!

CBII: THE PANT TIGHTENING: Book 1 - American Gods - Neil Gaiman

With the exception of Good Omens (which was written with Terry Pratchett) I have never read a book written by Neil Gaiman. I thought Good Omens was a decent read, a little too whimsical for my tastes (which may explain my retcicence to read Pratchett) but good none the less. So it was with a bit of trepidation that I started American Gods since I was expecting something along the same lines. After finishing my first 100% Gaiman book, I can now understand why many Pajibans love him so.

The Book opens with the central character named Shadow. Shadow is in prison serving a six-year sentence for an assualt he commtted on a couple of his compatriots in a robbery. He's due to be paroled after only three years due to good behaviour and he's dedicated to keeping his head low so he can get back to his loving wife and start anew. On the evening he's paroled (even earier than he thought) he meets a strange gentleman by the name of Wednesday, which also happens to be the day of his parole, and Mr. Wednesday offers Shadow a job as his future prospects are looking decidedly grim. Within the next few days, Shadow meets a series of  strange people, who are eccentic to say the least, and learns that he's been recruited as a player in a war of the gods.

Given that the book wieghs in at a decent 592 pages, that is an extremely vague and over simplified description of the book as I really don't want to give away any spoilers, but, Gaiman has crafted an excellent story that is parts mystery, myth, romance, war and redemption. Kind of. I admire the way he presents the protagonist as almost perfectly neutral as Shadow is by no means a good man but neither is he particularly evil. I found that the way Gamain used this balancing act made me very sympathetic to the main characters plight. Also, Gaiman manages to give us enough hints throughout the story to allow us to draw some of our own conclusions but there really is nothing here that is spoon fed to the reader. I thouroughly enjoyed the dark tone of the book and most instances of levity are delivered with a wit that wouldn't be out of place in the Sahara. Not everything turns out for the best for Shadow and the other characters nor should it as that really would've tarnished the book for me. If I had one complaint, it would be that I'm not up to speed enough with my mythology and therefore I think I missed some of the subtility of both the book and the interactions between some of the characters. Even I will admit though, that is a very insignificant issue to take with what is otherwise an excellent book.

A HALLOWEENY EPILOGUE

Scary Bitches

I found something out this Halloween. What did I find out? My eldest daughter is a nerd. I don't say that as if it's a bad thing, it just means that I'm going to have to prepare for the coming years a little bit differently. She went to a Halloween party on Saturday afternoon.....at the bookstore. Like I said, not a bad thing but a little bit different then what I'm used to. As an added bonus, she won a book and a gift card which just added to the excitement of Cannonball Read II: Honey I Shrunk My Penis.

My previous post ranted on the lack of celebration at Halloween and the phasing out of the fun at school due to different religions or traditions. While taking the girls trick or treating, I ran into the complete opposite of this on a couple of occassions. There were two Asian families on our route of treaty goodness and at both houses the families were exstatic to see the kids. I mean the whole family (all eight of them) came to the door and started laughing and talking to the girls and generally making a big to do about the whole thing. It was awesome and honestly the kids were a little taken aback.

At about eight or nine houses people asked the girls what they were. The Good One's costume is pretty obvious and didn't really get a lot of reaction. The Bad One's however, drew more than a couple distainful looks. The conversation would usually go thusly:

Candy Pimp/Pimpette - Oh, look at you two! What are you supposed to be?
TGO - I'm a zombie!
Candy Pimp - I see. And what are you?
TBO - I'm an evil fairy!

*uncomfortable silence*

Candy Pimp - Oh, a fairy. That's nice.
TBO - NO! an evil fairy.
Candy Pimp - Right.

*Casts evil glare at the father standing on the sidewalk laughing uncontrollably*
Seriously, it happened like eight times and it was still funny as hell.

Finally; nobody, and I mean nobody complained about my pumkin display. I'm actually kind of disappointed because I was in the mood for some righteous indignation.  But Nooooooooo, no fun for Doran. I mean with all the stuffy bitches out there how could I not get shit over this:

There was brains splattered on the house and everything. People just never fail to disappoint.

StabbyMart: We'll murder the Great Pumpkin too.