## Tuesday, October 6, 2009

### THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY

Disclamer: For you sciencey types, I'm speaking in layman's terms in the following. Don't give me shit for errors or oversimplifications  because I'm not a fucking physicist I'm just trying to be funny. If you don't find it funny then your a bad person that eats puppies and pisses on rainbows and I'll have to shank you in the scapula. Anyways:

Albert Einstein states that the Theory of Relativity is e=mc2 That is to say that energy = mass, multiplied by a constant (the speed of light), then squared. What most people don't realize is that Einstein's theory has so many everyday, real world applications that it is pretty much guaranteed that you will be applying his theory to mundane situations in instances where you generally wouldn't realize it. As a matter of fact, I believe that Einstein is the greatest scientist that ever lived because of the forsight that he had when he developed his theory.

For me, this happened today in three seperate occurances and, honestly when I got home and thought about it, it really blew what little mind I have. You see, I apply Einstein's theory in a slighly different way but in a fashion in which I believe was Einstein's true intent with this masterpiece of physics. To begin with, let's flesh out the variables in the equation.

- e - Which is energy and also translates to "how much work I have to do"

- = - If I have to explain this to you, stop right now, go get a pry bar and gently lever your head out of your rectum.

- m - Mass or the amount of "you" that there phyisically is.

- c - the constant or as Einstein said "the speed of light". I think by light he meant how much light could be on the other side of ones skull when somebody was looking in ones ear.

2 - a factor. In this case one would multiply the constant by itself.

So to summarize: The amount of work I do is equal to you, times your stupidity, squared. See. Genius!

Todays first instance dealt with an individual who owned some land that we built a road adjacent to THREE YEARS AGO! (again with the fucking road building). Due to the way the road was situated, we had to purchase a five meter (fifteen feet, silly Americans) width of land running parallel to the road. It seems simple right? We have it surveyed, pay the man, and register the road widening. Nope. Three years later he decides he has an issue with this. Today he told me that he wants the municipality to hire a surveyor to determine how much land he has. His reasoning? The municipality built this road and took land from him therefore it is the municipality's responsibility to determine how much land he has remaining. My dumbfounded response is simple: "do you know how much land you had when you bought it? Yes? Well the road survey shows that we took 1.23 acres. Therefore you have 157.2 acres left." Now, with any reasonable intelligent human being this would have ended the discussion, but not with Mr. Entitlement. "Well, what if the surveyor is wrong?" "Well" I ask, "what if we survey your property and that survey is wrong?" We go back and forth with this shit for about ten minutes but he won't tell me why he is insisting that the municipality pay thousands of dollars to tell him how much land he's got (of course I already know and it's complicated). Finally, I get fed up: "So, you think that the municipality should pay thousands of dollars of tax payer's money just to tell you how much land you have because we built a road. Even though we've already got a survey which tells us how much land we took and, ergo, how much land you have left?" His answer? "Yes."

It's at this point that I'm using all the energy I have to not beat him like a read-headed step child so all I can say is "No. We won't be doing that."  At which point he gets pouty like I just told him to stop playing with himself and tells me he's going to talk to my boss. By all means motherfucker, because if my bosses back you on this, I'm going to find new ones.

I think that this is a good time to suggest that the "e" in e=mc2 can also include the effort that it takes to refrain myself from saying exactly what is on my mind or to tear you into confetti with my bare hands. That was a good example of fucknuttery (honestly, how would you react if your government told you that they spent \$6000.00 to tell some douche what he already knows? Oh, wait...... ) but lets move on to ignorance.

Now this guy is an immigrant. Which is not to say that he's a bad person or any of that shit, only that he knows absolutely fuck all about developing. This guy tried to do a residential subdivision two years ago that was such a gong show that it was finally just refused. Then he turned his land into a used car lot. Did I mention that his license has now been revoked for non-compliance? His latest moneymaking scheme is chickens. Twenty-fucking-thousand of them! Dude walks into my office with a request to start a chicken barn in my municipality. His request is a hand written piece of paper that is comprised of four sentences: I want to start a barn with 20,000 chickens, (over my dead body) I will employ many people, (two or three tops) I will be able to pay more taxes (my favorite argument and false) Please give me permission to do this. (remember, dead body). This is were I proceed to ask him a bunch of questions that anybody who has even the smallest idea about what he's proposing would know. "Where on the property, who will run it, have you inquired about licensing with the Provincial government, you're aware that 75% of your property is underwater, right? And, most importantly, "what are you going to do with the 7,000 POUNDS OF SHIT THAT THAT MANY CHICKENS PRODUCE EVERY DAY!" Fuck!

I  take a half an hour to explain to him the ridiculously complex proceedure you have to go through to start an Intensive Livestock Operation from the plan, all the way to approval. The whole time he smiles and nods and drowns me in a cloud of halitosis all the while I'm thinking "You've got to be fucking with me". Finally the guy takes his forms and leaves.......and is back two days later. His "application" now consists of a five sentences on a piece of paper, a map of his refused subdivision with a square drawn in ink signifying the barn and the business card of the guy who will buy his chickens. He should thank whatever god he prays to that I was off on Friday else he would have been visiting her/him/it personally.

e=mc2 people.

A little stupidity anyone? This is the call I had at the end of the day. In the interest of expediency and the fact that it should explain itself, I present our conversation, verbatim.

Me - Hello municipal office.

Dorksnorkle - If my neighbours tree falls on my house, and he doesn't have insurance, does the village pay     for the damages?

Me - *shocked silence* Excuse me?

Twatwaffle - The guy next door doesn't have insurance, he's a bum. What happens if his tree falls on my house? Doesn't the village insure me?

Me - No. Why would the village insure private property?

Whoreson - Because I live in the village.

Me - The village doesn't own your property. You do.

Taintgobbler - But I don't have insurance!

Me - Well, that's not very intelligent. I would suggest that you may want to rectify that.

*click*

Once again, e=mc2

I hope you have enjoyed my interpretation of Einstein's theory. Feel free to share your opinions or your own interpretations. Oh, but if you disagree with me, I'm relatively sure you can go fuck yourself.

StabbyMart: We gettin' physical up in this bitch!

#### 10 comments:

1. I just enjoyed Dorksnorkle.

2. dude, i'd say you need a simpler job, like working in a liquor store (haha) but it would just be the same fucktards only drunker.

also, are you who we talk to about a little more skin? jesus, i been askin' ya thick-headed cheez-um.

an elbow, anything! me and the beav demand it.

3. Patience, gp. Patience.

4. Oh fuck it! I'm yours ...

You had me at 'pry bar'

Seriously ... I'm gonna start sending you my posts to beef them up before publishing :)

5. Not to be a silly American or anything, but five meters (metres?) is way more than three feet. Silly Candalandian.

That aside, I don't envy your occupation, but I love your recountings of it.

6. SHIT! I had meant that as 1 meter = 3 feet dammit.

Danica, after reading your last post, you're doing just fine.

7. That's it, someone is getting called Dorksnorkle today...

8. Same here! I'm definitely stealing Dorksnorkle.

Sorry about the idiots you have to deal with! I hope it helps that your stories make me feel better about my crap job...

9. I am also going to steal Dorksnorkle. I think it's going to be my son's new nickname. His sister is Peanut Butter, he can be Dorksnorkle. Hopefully my wife won't think too much about the connotations.

10. Okay, here's your link: http://wigflip.com/superstickies/

Have fun :) can't wait to see what winds up on your stickie notes ... hee hee.

D