Friday, November 27, 2009

What The Fuck, Somebody Actually Reads This Thing?

Alright, in the interest of giving props where props are due I'ma gonna recognize some of my favorite bitches and send a thank you for some recognition.

A delicious little dish named Eyvi Sprite (check it) bestowed this lovely .jpg upon me for which I'm eternally grateful. Then the bitch tells me that I have to tell you seven things you may not know. Fine.

1. - I'm adopted. Twice. By the same extended family. But that is for another day.

2.  - If I would have decided to date the easy lay, I wouldn't be married for ten years now and have the awesomeness that is the Jacq. I remember the exact second I decided which way to go. Quality over quantity, always.

3. - I was always either the or close to smallest kid in the class. Both in height and weight up until grade ten. I'm still short but I will fuck you up.

4. - I have lived in Saskatchewan all my life but always wanted to be a Marine Biologist (for those of you unfamiliar with Saskatchewan, the nearest ocean is on the Mars).

5. - At Thirty-two years of age, I have never broken a bone, never had surgery and only had about seven stitches on three different occasions. How I managed, I don't know as I certainly wasn't a cautious child.

6. - I have had three different professions. I was a cook, a hair stylist and now, I'm the gubment.

7. - I'm entirely too nice in person.

Ok, so maybe one of those is a lie. I hope you're satisfied Eyvi, that was entirely too much thought.

Then the lovely Miss Danica Dragonfly, who may or may not be a female version of me, gifted me this little tidbit.

Thanks a million Dani. I'm glad that my hateful rantings bring a little entertainment to your day. I have to say though, I'm not feeling the apron. That's it, I'm done. I'm not about to pass this around as all y'all know you motherfuckers are the shit. I wouldn't read it otherwise.

StabbyMart: Accepting Arbitrary Internet Awards Cause We're Whores.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Doran and Jacquie's World Famous Greek Ribs

This is the first time I've posted a recipe on this joint, mainly becuase MySharona has got that shit on lock. (seriously baby, the offer still stands) But in the interest of passing along a favourite of every single person I've ever served them to, getting you laid and keeping Skitz happy I'm going to share. This recipe originated with my wife's ex-boyfriend's father who was a good chef in his own right but honestly, greek ribs are pretty standard fare wherever you go (That is not to say that some aren't better than others.) so I tweeked the shit out of it. These take time but it's not too much of a commitment as you can walk away and let them cook in their own greeky deliciousness while you are doing other things. I need to warn you though, get an Arm and Hammer deodorizer before you make them. They fucking reek of awesomeness. (No seriously, they stink so good they'll impregnate the rest of your food with their spermatazoa of flavour.

The recipe is totally variable dependant on how many racks you make and your personal tastes I'm doing six small racks today do that's what I'm going to preach. My measurements are purely estimated as I can't remember the last time I actually measured something while I was cooking. Measuring is for baking, not making sweet meaty love to ones palate. You're going to have to use your nose because I hear Trychinosis is a bitch.

Your marinade ingredients:
  • Pork back ribs (how many is totally up to you)
  • Beer or another tasty beverage of your choosing. (of course this is purely to keep you hydrated)
  • Olive oil
  • Garlic powder
  • Onion powder
  • Worchesterschirederborkborkbork sauce
  • Oregano
  • Club House Greek Seasoning (you can just use oregano but this adds a nice depth)
  • Fresh ground black pepper (if you don't have a pepper mill, shoot yourself and save me the trouble)
  • Lemon Juice (bottled is fine for the marinade)
 Your finishing touches:
  • Taipan oyster sauce (I've used others and this one works best you may substitute but you're missing out)
  • Two lemons (variable dependant on your love of lemony acidity)

Alright, let's talk ribs people. You're spending a good amount of time on these so don't buy shitty meat. If you're shopping at the supermarket, the vacuum packed ones are usually good as they are a premium cut. If you're buying the ones in the styrofoam tray with the celophane; take a good look. If the end has been folded under, you're going to get that flap of meat that is useless. This is fine but cut that shit off as it won't cook well. Also, check the thick end; if you've got a bunch of small bones over the big ones , take a pass. The connective tissues make those ones quite tough. Ideally, you can go to a butcher and get a few racks of porky heaven. Butchers are the greatest as you can see exactly what you're buying. Don't fucking scrimp! I will fucking hunt you down and taint punch you if you fuck up my recipe!

Now, clean the ribs. Most ribs will have a membrane on the back side of them and I believe it should be removed. Use a figernail on one of the ends of the bone to get it started (kind of like peeling the price sticker off of something) then work your finger under the membrane to the other side. Now you grab and rip that fucker off! Sometimes the ribs are already cleaned (you'll know if you can pick off the fat) or your butcher can do it for you. Now wash them under cold water and pat dry with paper towels. Put a couple racks in a long flat dish (I use a pyrex baking pan for a few or a aluminum roaster for a lot) and rub them with olive oil on both sides (the rest of the instructions also pertain to both sides. You can be agressive as all you're doing is beginning to break down the connective tissues. Next, douse them in lemon juice. Yes you're making a pool in the bottom of the pan, this is a good thing. Shake a liberal amount of Wort on both sides, then garlic powder (you know how much you like) then about a quarter teaspoon of onion powder per rack, then pepper (once again, you know) then equal measures of oregano and greek seasoning. When you're done, the seasonings should have a distinct presence but not totally coat the ribs. Stick your nose in there. You should smell a funky, garlicy, worty mess and taste the citric acid on the back of your tongue. Make sure you stack them with the meaty (front) part down in that soup and front to back. since they're curved, the juices will pool on the back side of the ribs allowing the front side to marinate.Wrap those fuckers up and stick them in the fridge for at least 24 hours. Now, every eight hours or so you'll have to move shit around and baste those racks that are not on the bottom.

Due to a lack of measurements, this is how they should look.

This is an idea of how much marinade we're dealing with.


These have to be cooked with indirect heat so depending on the type of grill you have, you may have to turn on one side or the front/back burner. Preheat your grill to between 250 and 300 F. As long as you're within this range you should be cool but it will effect the flavour and texture a bit. You may want to have a drip pan under the side you're going to put the ribs on as things are going to get messy.  Open the fridge, does it smell like a garlicy greek-bomb went off? Congratulations, you did it right. Now, if you have a rib/roast rack, you're fucking golden! If you don't have one don't worry, lay those puppies down on the cool side of the grill. Try not to overlap or stack them but if you're making a huge mess of them it may be unavoidable you'll just have to remember to rotate them. Now walk away. Hey! I said walk away! Come back and check the temperature every once in a while, you don't want it to get hot.

The left is hot, the right is not.

By now, you should have a tasty slurry at the bottom of your marinade pan. If you throw this away I'm pretty sure you hate babies, puppies and freedom. Put that in a bowl or some other more manageable vessel as this is your basting liquid. Every hour or two, go back and rotate those bad boys. No matter what type of grill you have, the ribs closest to the heat and the side of the grill are going to cook faster. Just move 'em around to spread the joy. Now baste them with your marinade. Seriously, just slop that tangy love on there, I told you it'd be messy.  You're probably wondering about cooking time and I wish I could give you an accurate answer but, as the time is dependant on the heat and the size and amount of the ribs, it will take anywhere from 3.5 to 5 hours.You'll know they're done when you try to pick them up and they break. People, listen to me, you're making sweet foody love here, they will be done when they're done. If you're really desperate you can turn the heat up after the first couple of hours but I want you to know that you have hurt my soul.

 Yeah, they're done.


So you've basted and rotated three or four times and now it'sget close to the time for eating. If you've done it right, the rack of ribs should almost or actually break in half when you pick them up. The best ribs I ever made were hell to prepare because they kept falling apart. Take them out of the rack and lay them flat. This next step is purely optional but I do it to add a little char. Turn your heat up to a medium and move the ribs to the hot side of the grill. Char both sides of every rack for about two minutes per side. Then move them back to the cool side. Right now, you could eat those fuckers and they'd be damn tasty. But we're not going for tasty here, we're going for Nirvana (sans shotgun). Take the oyster sauce and brush it liberally on both sides of every rack then close the lid and wait for five minutes for the sauce to heat. Listen up! Under no circumstances do you put the oyster sauce on during cooking or when the ribs are on the hot side of the grill! The sauce has too much sugar in it  and will burn quicky and and turn into a charred crusty abomination.

 Now, take those slabs of heaven  and slap them on a big-ass cutting board and get yourself a big-ass bowl to put 'em in. Slice each and every rib to separate them all and toss 'em in the bowl. They may not cut very well as they should be falling apart, do your best.

See. You can peeel the meat off of the bone.

Slice one of the fresh lemons in half and squeeze over the ribs, mix with the tongs and squeeze another lemon in there. Throw a couple of wedges in the bowl for those that like more lemon and dig the fuck in. I should mention that your grill will be a disaster so you might want to burn it off. If you don't, you'll be tasting greek ribs in all your food for the next three weeks. Please, enjoy; you can thank me with sexual favours later.

I made five racks, all that's left is bones and memories.

*Please note: these ribs will get you laid. Probably not on the day you make them as meat comas are a side effect , but eventually you'll get some.

Fuck, that was long. Thanks for reading, but I have to go have a meat nap. No, not with you gp.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

A Prologue

Tomorrow I'm going to be making a blog post that is extremely long, pretentious and probably a little self indulgent. It's not  earth shattering, it's not going to cure cancer and it's certainley not going to rid the world of Stephanie Meyer; but it may change your life.

See, I'm a pretty hardcore foodie. I love food. I adore food. If I had my druthers, I would spend most of my time in a kitchen making food. Hell, that's what I did for six years. The problem with that was that I didn't get to sit down and enjoy it with the people I love. I love it so much I hosted Christmas for both families last year on consecutive days and, even though it killed me, I revelled in every minute of it. There is nothing I enjoy more than spending the day in front of the TV (shush, I'm food safe) preparing dinner in a leisurely fashion in anticipation of a terrific meal. Also,  if there is a break for nookie, so much the better.

I enjoy when people post status updates saying what they're eating and I enjoy telling people what I'm concocting. I've really gotten a lot of ideas from the facebook and have put them to good use.* So, since I'm making my family's favorite dish tomorrow, I'm going to share. I'm also doing it so Skitz doesn't tear off my duadenum and make a lovely jerky out of it. I'm sorry if I come across as an ass tomorrow, but I take my food seriously because I usually put a lot of effort, time and love into my creations. This particular recipe took me eight years to perfect and I'll be damned if you're going to fuck it up.

* MySharona absolutely kills me. I have a ridiculous fondness for southern, cajun and creole food and it seems that that's all she makes. I've asked her to marry me but polygamy is illegal in the U.S. and she refuses to move to Canada. Also, I'd like to try Skitz' Macho Nachos but in a totally non-sexual way.

CBII: Crazy Going Slowly Am I - Book 6: Shutter Island - Dennis Lehane

An admission: I can't remember the last time I read a thriller (I'm not going to count The DaVinci Code as that falls into it's own special category that also includes poop and Hitler) they just really aren't my bag. That being said, I believe I went into the book with no preconceived notions and no expectations. As a matter of fact, I've seen the trailer for the movie version starring DeCaprio and being directed by Scorsese and thought it looked pretty fucking spine-tingly-dingly.  I can now say that something was tingling, but it may have just been my hand falling asleep. (Hey, I'm a fan of The Stranger, shut it!)

Teddy Daniels and Chuck (no last name) are U.S. Marshalls on their way to Shutter Island to investigate the escape of a patient by the name of Rachel Solando. Shutter Island is not only a psychiatric facility, but also a prison that houses the purveyors of the most heinous crimes imaginable. The facility tries to identify and treat their psychological disorders so they can at least have a version of a life while incarcerated. Upon reaching the island they are taken to see the head psychologist Dr. Crowley who describes Rachel's condition and circumstances of her escape. There's just one extremely unsettling issue with all of this: There's no way that Rachel could have escaped.

Upon investigation of the cell they find a poster with a coded message that Teddy must break. It is also apparent that Rachel could not have gotten out of her cell without help. The orderly has an air-tight story as does the rest of the staff and Teddy immediately comes to the conclusion that this was an inside job. The staff at the facility are aware of his suspicions so they become increasingly uncooperative - refusing to show Teddy certain areas of the hospital, staff records and the doctors begin to screw with Teddy's head. You see, Teddy has a history. He's a recovering alcoholic and his wife died in a fire a couple of years ago. It also just happens that the person that lit the fire is incarcerated at this very facility. Teddy continues his investigation it begins to reveal more and more disturbing information. Just what is going on on Shutter Island?

I had no idea what to expect going into this book and, after a good week and a half of thinking about it (oops), I've come to a comclusion: It's exactly what it should be. It's decently written, the plot is reasonably progressed, the descriptions are adequate, the surprised are mildly surprising and most people will figure out the twist right in the middle of the book. It is average in every way a book can be average and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps you just interested enough to make you turn the page and when you're done it will gradually fade from memory. This is one of those instances where, if Scorcese does it properly, the movie could definately improve on the book. Especially where creating tension and atmosphere is concerned. I feel completely impartial regarding Shutter Island so you may as well give it a shot.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I will Haunt Your Dreams

WARNING, If you suffer from any of the following, you should not read the rest of this post: heart condition, pregnancy, hammer toe, H1N1, breathing, Colorectalcraniumism, muffintop, near-sightedness, far-sightededness, natural penis enhancement, IBS, schizophrenia, double jointedness, sleep apnea, hearing, sexual arousal, incontinence, douchebaggery or life; you should not read the rest of this post.

Every year at Pajiba, Dustin turns the keys over to the penisless inmates to run the show for a day in November. This day is known as Paheeba day and is in honour of a dear friend that we lost after she waged a courageous battle with Leukemia last year. One Miss AlabamaPink. A group of highly dedicated, highly talented, highly sessified Pajibettes put together one of the greatest days ever and they deserve unending acccolades for rocking faces and stealing nutsacks. It is a veritable orgy of estrogen and is absolutely fucking face humpingly awesome. So, of course I saw fit to ruin it.

You see, this year the 'ettes decided to do some movie posters wherein they would photoshop their own images onto some well known original posters. One Pajibette known as Replica, did a shit load of work on the posters did an  fabulous job. What everybody didn't know was that Rep and I were cooking up something special to end the night off right.


Sleep tight motherfuckers.

StabbyMart: Haunting Your Dreams And Making You Feel Funny In The Pants.

Monday, November 16, 2009

CBII: Admin's New Band Name: Book 5 - Rides A Dread Legion - Raymond E. Feist

Let me begin by saying this: If you haven't read any of Raymond E. Feist's previous books in the world of Midkemia, this probably isn't the best place to start. While one could read through this enjoyable book and not be completely lost, you would miss a lot of the nuances that the history of the previous twenty-four (that's right) books would provide. At least read the Conclave of Shadows series first. You'll have a far better appreciation for the references and context of Rides A Dread Legion.

As I alluded, Feist has written twenty-five books in the Midkemia collection which are usually authored in trilogies. He began with Magician in 1982 and has averaged a little under one book a year in this series for the past twenty-seven years and, when compared to authors such as Robert Jordan or George R.R. Martin, that is nothing short of exceptional. That is not to say that Feist's books are of the same depth and difficulty of those authors but, when taken as a collection, they easily rival their creativity. I've read and own all of the previous books and have consumed them no less than three times which leads me to believe that there is something Feist does with his writing that keeps it fresh and interesting that is unlike other authors. Rides A Dread Legion is no exception.

The story opens with a warlock named Amirantha who is in the midst of conjuring a demon when something goes terribly wrong. Instead of the demon he meant to conjure appearing, a far more powerful manifestation enters the realm. Amirantha battles this demon (a type he has never seen before) with his companion Brandos and eventually destroys it. But upon the destruction of the demon he notices another magician's magic present, that of his brother. After some introspection, he decides he needs to investigate this impossible occurrence further after, that is, they get paid. You see, for lack of a better term, Amirantha is a grifter. He begins rumours of demons in the areas near towns, then proceeds to put on a show to cast the demon (which he has summond) back whence it came. Usually it's a lesser demon with which he has forged a sort of friendship with and, as such, poses little danger. Not this time.

We then move to a woman named Sandreena who is an Knight-Adamant of the Order of the Shield (which is the martial arm of The Temple of Dala). She is a stunning woman who grew up hard and has significant trust issues (rightfully so) with the men of the world. Beautiful, intelligent and deadly she is sent to investigate troublesome reports of bandits on the west coast and upon arrival discovers that there is far more at play than mere banditry. After she is nearly killed she travels back to civilization almost at the cost of her life to report what she has found.

Now were sent to the northern forests of Midkemia where a Pathfinder has found a odd set of footprints. He follows the tracks until they bring him to a strange person that he observes transform into a type of elf he has never seen before. The elf then proceeds to open a rift to another planet and disappear. The tracker is concerned as to what this may portend for Midkemia and sets off to discuss the matter with the king of the dwarves. Its a good thing too as the strange elf has returned to his world to reveal to his leader that he has found a new place to call home. These particular elves are fleeing their planet as they have been engaged in a centuries long war with the demon hoard and have been forced back to the last city on the last planet in their kingdom. The issue for the current residents of Midkemia is that these elves look to rule over the "lesser races" and any defiance will be met with oblivion.

What I've just given you is the synopsis for about the first four chapters. Perhaps the reason I enjoy Feist's books so much is that he crams so much into such a small space. Unlike some other authors *cough* Jordan *cough* he doesn't take pages and pages (or books and books) to expound on every little nuance of a character whether it's relevant or not. His descriptions of people, places and events are rich and detailed and serve to further the story without having to have a bloody book devoted to why a character is emo. One may think that that this may take away from the story or the entire Midkemia series as a whole, but it really doesn't. The way he alway manages to twist all the different plot arcs into a fine thread keeps me coming back for more. Feist is willing to dipose of characters that have served their purpose while introducing new ones to continue the plot. He keeps things tightly paced and thoroughly entertaining while conveying just the right amout of character motivation. Honestly people, twenty-five books and I have yet to be disappointed.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

CBII Book 1: The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman - (The Good One)

The name of my book is The Graveyard Book. It is about a boy named Bod who grows up in a greveyardbecause his parents got killed by someone named the Man Jack who is actually Mr. Frost. Bod learns how to faid haunt and dream walk. His guardian is Silas. Silas brings Bod his food and clothes. Bod learns the ways of the graveyard by being taught by the ghosts.

My favourite character is Liza Hemstock. She is a ghost witch. I like her because she is a witch and is magical. She died by the villiagers in her town. She wouldn't say she was a witch but the villiagers wanted proof so they dumped her in the pond and if she didn't hold her breath she was a witch. She held her breath because she didn't want to let tham know. But they they still wanted proof but would rather be safe and they burnt her alive but right before they she cursed them and a couple of days later the plague came and most of the villagers died and the curse came true.

The main characters are Bod (short for Nobody Owens) Silas (Bod's guardian) and Jack Frost who is of the Man Jack race. Jack Frost and the other Man Jacks want to kill Bod becuase they know that if Bod was to grow up he would rid the world of the Man Jack race. The Man Jack race are people who kill to find Bod.

CBII: It Was Something Yellow: Book 4 - The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams

I've got to admit, I've heard a lot about Doulas Adam's The Hitchhicker's Guide To The Galaxy and most of it sits determinedly on the favourable side of the fence. Of course I was expecting to be blown away within the first ten minutes of the book but maybe I would have enjoyed it more as a radio broadcast. You see, this is how the book came into existance. Originally it was an episodic radio broadcast done in Britain and was then picked up and published an a variety of incorrect ways. Chapters were published out of order or were missing entirely, parts of book two were mashed into book one and so forth. In the forward to the book (which is the entire collection), Adams explains the journey that results in this edition The Trilogy Of Four. He aslo assures us that this is indeed the correct version and should be trusted implicitly.

The Hitchhicker's Guide revolves around Arthur Dent who is a wholly unremarkable individual and a friend of his that goes by the name of Ford Prefect. Arthur's house is about to be demolished this morning to make way for a new expressway but it takes Arthur a good while to remember why he should pay attention to the yellow "things" outside his house. Of course, once he remembers what is supposed occur today, he promptly rushes outside, plops himself in the mud in front of a bulldozer and commences arguing with the local bereaucrat. Meanwhile his supposed cousin Ford Prefect (who is actually a not so cleverly disguised writer for The Guide) has recieved a signal that warns him that he should vacate Earth post-haste. In a moment of uncharacteristic generousity, he decides to take Arthur for one last drink. He proceeds to convince Arthur to stop his muddy protest and also, somehow, coerces the bereaucrat to take Arthur's place. Arthur and Ford adjourn to the local pub where Ford lets it be known that the Earth is going to be destroyed in about fifteen minutes. Also, he wishes to know if Arthur has brought his towel as The Guide is insistant that all a hitchhiker needs is a towel as ,if one has a towel, he must have all the other items needed for travelling the galaxy. It's at this point that the Bulldozers level Arthur's house and the spaceships show up. You see, the Earth is slated for demolition in order to build a new intergalactic expressway. The Earth is destroyed and our travellers wake up in a darkend room somewhere else.

All in all The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is decently entertaining. Adams focuses on the interactions of the characters and the witty dialogue between them to carry the story. In many instances he'll back-fill the story with flashbacks or Guide entries in order to flesh-out characters or give context to their situation. There is a lot of wit and humor in this book but the level of whimsy is off the charts. In spots it seemed to me that the humour was a bit out of place and served nothing more that an oppourtunity to be funny. Indeed, the funniest parts of the book are the Guide entries. While I would chuckle at times within the rest of the story, The Guide entries are hilarious because they are totally deadpanned and serious which is more to my taste. Also, I felt like nothing happend for the first 150 pages or so except the characters blathering at each other. I actually had to force myself to keep going and that is quite rare for me. That being said I'm sure that The Hitchhiker's Guide is perfectly servicable for many people and I'm not going to give up on it either. I just hope something happens in the next book. The Restaraunt At The End Of The Universe.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hindsight is 20/20 Proof

DISCLAIMER: I'm drunk. Therefore you may not correct me on spelling, grammar, punctuation or any of that kind of bullshit. If you do, I swear to the God of Kidney Punching (his name is Peeblood) I will hunt you down, tear off your proboscus, grind it into Rosie O'Donnell's anus and re-attach it to your face.

I bitch about my Job a lot. That's because my job can, at times, suck a bunch of ass. This isn't any different from your job. Indeed it would seem to be rather normal given the blogs, status updates, stories and testimonials I've perused. But, just this once, I'm gonna give some props to the bosses that, on a few occassions, make this job the most fucking epic profession that one could ever work in.

As most of you are aware, I'm a public sevant. As most of you are also aware, I'm on the management side of that service and am in a small office that only has a minimal buffer twixt me and the idiocy. Therefore I get to deal with all the Cuntsicles, Twatwaffles, Dorksnorklers and Guntgarglers that walk through the door on a day to day basis. Sometimes I get lucky and they've actually showered.  Many a time these instances of crease-funk may actually get to talk to my bosses (which is really quite easy) but I try to do my duty to filter the piss out of the pool so as to save them from this terrible fate. Usually, I tell my bosses that these people don't need to come to Council because their complaints are frivolous, ridiculous and cunninglinguous and therefore don't need to be heard. One Councillor, above all, used to listen to my advice; and one Councillor, above all, used to tell me to go fuck myself. It is this ignorant, depraived, loutish sample of humanity that I hated. He was also the best boss I've ever had.

In my profession, you usually have seven bosses (yay democracy!) and it is extremely rare to be told that you're doing a good job (much like you). It's not because these people are your bosses. It's because they are so un-used to giving any sort of praise whatsoever they don't know how to do it. So, really,  it's nice to hear: "Godammit I've been looking to replace you since you got here." Now, that statement is kind of true.

Every time we went to a convention, he would always ask a bunch of Administrators: "Are you looking for a job, because this prick is useless." The brilliant part of this equation is that my reponse would invariably be along the lines of "Don't listen to this old cunt, he still thinks dial-up gets you a hooker." Or: "We're looking for another Administrator, please take the job!" To which I would say: "Shut-up you senile, old, twat! No one else is stupid enough to work for you." Then we would laugh with the greatest of mirth.

It was glorious. We had those other motherfuckers in the room on tilt! How could an employee speak to his boss so? Well, trust pervertedness, hate and respect. We knew that we could be perfectly blunt with each other and it wouldn't be taken personally. We knew immediately that if something was said in confidence, it was kept between the two of us. Seriously, how many jobs have you had, where you could call your boss a cunt and come to work the next day without fear of retribution? We started a shitstorm of gossip! Administraors couldn't believe I'd work for that municipality. Councillors wouldn't believe that an employee would speak to one of them like that. We had such a laugh.

So this evening, as we've polished off the better part of a 40 of rum, he told me "You know, I didn't want to, but we would have paid to keep you." And  I replied, "If I still had to work with you, it wasn't enough." We laughed: but I wonder.....

(End drunken ramble)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

CBII: Medicated Ointment Edition: Book 3 - Day By Day Armageddon - J.L. Bourne

What's really interesting about this book is that its essentially an edited version of a web series that Mr. Bourne wrote detailing the day by day struggles of the protagonist in a zombie infested world. I think that the web series worked especially well because the book is written in diary form and therefore lends itself to sometimes short, daily entries and mild cliffhangers. The translation to book form worked decently  as all you have to do is take all the entries and put covers on both sides. Day By Day Armageddon is a light read as its a breezy 200 pages but if your looking for somthing revelatory, this isn't the place you'll find it.

Our hero is nameless as the story is written entirely in the first person (as it should be) so I will hereforth refer to him as Billy Bob. Billy Bob is a Navy Pilot who is stationed at a base in San Antonio, Texas and is pretty much your standard military type. He's also moved around a lot, hasn't made any close friends and does his duty. Then things start happening in China (why always China? /rhetorical question). People start to get sick with a strange disease which has piqued the curiosity of the American Government and Military so they decide to send "help". Of course some of the Americans are infected and brought home for treatment and study and the chain reaction begins. Billy Bob is immediately suspisious upon hearing of this disease and starts preparing for the worst. He buys supplies, fortifies his house and ignores the perceived saftey of his military base. Quickly things get out of control and the news media begins reporting on the sick people roaming the streets attacking anyone within  snacking distance. Billy Bob is all alone in his house/bunker to face the horror of the undead.

I don't know anything about Bourne, or if he has other works, but his writing style is very simple. The description of the physical appearance of people, places and events isn't very deep and it's sometimes difficult to get a clear picture of what he is trying to convey. The story is nothing new and doesn't add to the zombie cannon as much as take what is already known and been done and rehash it within a different context. There was one delighful surprise that I've never read in any other zombie fiction (I will admit that my experience is limited) which deals with the American reaction to the hoards that I really did enjoy. I didn't feel any of the terror or helplessness that the characters in the book did and I certainly didn't have any "oh, my god" moments. Nonetheless Day By Day Armageddon is an fun little read, if you're not looking for anything new, and have a few hours to kill with some zombie fluff.

CBII: Where Did This Rash Come From: Book 2 - The Law of Nines - Terry Goodkind

Terry Goodkind is an author who is perhaps best known for his Sword Of Truth Series. In fact, I believe that that particular series of books are the only ones he has written until The Law Of Nines. I'm quite a fan of Goodkind. I own all his books, have read them twice and have invested many years of my life to see the conclusion of the Sword of Truth saga. I would dare say that I love the series with all it's flaws, yawns and foibles so it was without hesitation that I grabbed his new book off of the shelf with an "oooooh" of delight. After blasting through it in about six hours I've come to a conclusion: I've been here before.

Firstly, *POTENTIAL SPOILERS* there, now that that is out of the way.....Alex is your mostly normal, everyday, run of the mill young man. There's nothing overly exceptional about him other than that he is a fairly gifted artist with a penchant for painting landscapes. Then, one day, he saves an unusually attractive woman from being run over by a plumbing truck driven by a couple of guys that look like pirates.   After speaking with one of the arresting officers, he strikes up a conversation with this stunning woman named Jax (she's named after the game) and he decides to take her to a local gallery that is showing some of his artwork. Jax is immesurably moved by one of his paintings and he is immediately smitten. Telling Alex that she has really to leave she begins to walk away and vanishes in a crowd. Alex then goes to his grandfather's house to visit as it is Alex's twenty-seventh birthday. His grandfather gives him an envelope that was supposed to go first to his father on his twenty-seventh birthday(who passed away prior to said birthday) then his mother on her twenty-seven birthday (who was institutionalized before she turned twenty-seven) and has now come to him as he is last in the line of succession.

The envelope tells Alex that he has inherited a large swath of land that has some very specific rules attached to it and that he has one year to decide what he wishes to do with the land. Alex decideds to take some time to consider what to do and goes to visit his mother in the mental hospital. She proceeds to tell him some very strange things and he notices a news story that tells him the two officers he met previously at the accident scene were found in an alley with their necks broken. He then he runs into Jax again, who proceeds to tell him some very strange things and that he is the only one tha can help her. Upon returning to his grandfather's house to find it in flames, Alex decides that he needs to get to the bottom of what's going on. Strange things are happening and people are starting to get hurt.

I have to say that I really did enjoy the book. It was tightly paced and contained plenty of action while progressing the story without sacrificing character development. If you liked Goodkind's Sword of Truth series, you'll definately enjoy The Law of Nines, becuase that's what it is; The Sword of Truth. There is absolutely nothing new here. It has the same characters (but with different names), the same villians, (but with different names), the same motivations (but on a different planet). The only difference was that where Richard used a sword, Alex uses a Glock. I was quite disappointed that Goodkind didn't try something different like a supernatural thriller or some such. Please don't misunderstand, if you enjoy Goodkind, you will definately enjoy Wizard's First Glock. I'm willing to give him another shot with book two to see if he does go in a different direction, but really, Alex Rahl and Jax Amnell? Give me a fucking break!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

CBII: THE PANT TIGHTENING: Book 1 - American Gods - Neil Gaiman

With the exception of Good Omens (which was written with Terry Pratchett) I have never read a book written by Neil Gaiman. I thought Good Omens was a decent read, a little too whimsical for my tastes (which may explain my retcicence to read Pratchett) but good none the less. So it was with a bit of trepidation that I started American Gods since I was expecting something along the same lines. After finishing my first 100% Gaiman book, I can now understand why many Pajibans love him so.

The Book opens with the central character named Shadow. Shadow is in prison serving a six-year sentence for an assualt he commtted on a couple of his compatriots in a robbery. He's due to be paroled after only three years due to good behaviour and he's dedicated to keeping his head low so he can get back to his loving wife and start anew. On the evening he's paroled (even earier than he thought) he meets a strange gentleman by the name of Wednesday, which also happens to be the day of his parole, and Mr. Wednesday offers Shadow a job as his future prospects are looking decidedly grim. Within the next few days, Shadow meets a series of  strange people, who are eccentic to say the least, and learns that he's been recruited as a player in a war of the gods.

Given that the book wieghs in at a decent 592 pages, that is an extremely vague and over simplified description of the book as I really don't want to give away any spoilers, but, Gaiman has crafted an excellent story that is parts mystery, myth, romance, war and redemption. Kind of. I admire the way he presents the protagonist as almost perfectly neutral as Shadow is by no means a good man but neither is he particularly evil. I found that the way Gamain used this balancing act made me very sympathetic to the main characters plight. Also, Gaiman manages to give us enough hints throughout the story to allow us to draw some of our own conclusions but there really is nothing here that is spoon fed to the reader. I thouroughly enjoyed the dark tone of the book and most instances of levity are delivered with a wit that wouldn't be out of place in the Sahara. Not everything turns out for the best for Shadow and the other characters nor should it as that really would've tarnished the book for me. If I had one complaint, it would be that I'm not up to speed enough with my mythology and therefore I think I missed some of the subtility of both the book and the interactions between some of the characters. Even I will admit though, that is a very insignificant issue to take with what is otherwise an excellent book.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Scary Bitches
I found something out this Halloween. What did I find out? My eldest daughter is a nerd. I don't say that as if it's a bad thing, it just means that I'm going to have to prepare for the coming years a little bit differently. She went to a Halloween party on Saturday the bookstore. Like I said, not a bad thing but a little bit different then what I'm used to. As an added bonus, she won a book and a gift card which just added to the excitement of Cannonball Read II: Honey I Shrunk My Penis.

My previous post ranted on the lack of celebration at Halloween and the phasing out of the fun at school due to different religions or traditions. While taking the girls trick or treating, I ran into the complete opposite of this on a couple of occassions. There were two Asian families on our route of treaty goodness and at both houses the families were exstatic to see the kids. I mean the whole family (all eight of them) came to the door and started laughing and talking to the girls and generally making a big to do about the whole thing. It was awesome and honestly the kids were a little taken aback.

At about eight or nine houses people asked the girls what they were. The Good One's costume is pretty obvious and didn't really get a lot of reaction. The Bad One's however, drew more than a couple distainful looks. The conversation would usually go thusly:

Candy Pimp/Pimpette - Oh, look at you two! What are you supposed to be?
TGO - I'm a zombie!
Candy Pimp - I see. And what are you?
TBO - I'm an evil fairy!

*uncomfortable silence*

Candy Pimp - Oh, a fairy. That's nice.
TBO - NO! an evil fairy.
Candy Pimp - Right.

*Casts evil glare at the father standing on the sidewalk laughing uncontrollably*
Seriously, it happened like eight times and it was still funny as hell.

Finally; nobody, and I mean nobody complained about my pumkin display. I'm actually kind of disappointed because I was in the mood for some righteous indignation.  But Nooooooooo, no fun for Doran. I mean with all the stuffy bitches out there how could I not get shit over this:

There was brains splattered on the house and everything. People just never fail to disappoint.

StabbyMart: We'll murder the Great Pumpkin too.