A Lesson on Wrapping Your Meat

On Sunday, just out of the blue, I up and decide to try something a little different for supper. I'll do this fairly often as I just like throwing some shit (not literally) together and seeing what comes out. For the most part, things tend to work out for the best but there has been the odd failure. We don't really talk about those. Being the red-blooded Canadian I am, I decided that there was nothing better than to stuff some meat in some other meat. I guess it wasn't really stuffing, it was more like enveloping a juicy cut of beef in the smokey and savoury heaven known as bacon. "Now why would you do that, Mr. Manager?" you may be asking. If you are actually asking that, please make a vigorous attempt at removing your tonsils with an eggplant. You're an idiot and have no business being here. The world will be better off never having to hear you speak again. The following is a brief outline of my odyssey to a swiney orgasm.


First, you need a roast. It doesn't really matter what kind but you should consider that it has to be cylindrical, not very fatty and of a reasonable circumference. They don't make two foot long slices of bacon and, while I believe that this is an affront to nature, I don't make the rules. I used the butt of a beef tenderloin which was about three pounds and twelve inches in circumference. It wasn't ideal as the shape isn't a cylinder and they tend to be tapered at both ends. Please keep in mind that you don't need to use beef; pork on pork isn't a hate crime, it's a crime of passion.

If you're using a tenderloin, they usually aren't cleaned. You have to tear and slice off all of that lovely viscera so you don't end up with tender deliciousness on top of a layer of rubber. A good rule to follow is "if it's shiny, cut it off." This rule does not apply to my junk. If you've got a prepared roast (one that's been cleaned and trussed by the butcher) you're good to go. Lay out a layer of way paper to put the bacon on as this will help with the rolling process. Next, lay out the strips of bacon vertically. Use as many strips as you need to equal the width of your roast. Now the tricky part; weave more bacon horizontally through the vertical bacon. The easiest way is to simply fold back every second piece of vertical bacon, lay the horizontal piece down and fold the vertical strips back down. Alternate the vertical strips until you end up with what we have below. You may have to stretch the bacon a bit to make it reach but that's just fine.

 Fuck the pill, I choose pork!

 So now we have what I call the bacon matrix. It's as good as the Wachowski's Matrix but without all the Keanu aftertaste. Next take some herbs, pepper, garlic, and whatever else you may think will work and put it on that porcine delight. It doesn't matter if you use fresh or dried seasoning. I used fresh garlic, sage, basil, oregano, mushrooms and cracked pepper. DO NOT USE SALT! The bacon is salty enough on its own. By the way, get a mortar and pestle, you can mash up some brilliant things with apothecary tools. When done, you get something like this:

 Now slap your meat down about four inches from one end of that bitch. Take the edge of the wax paper and fold it over the roast. Now roll it all up (peeling the wax paper off of the bacon as you go) like you're rolling a nice, tight fatty. Really, keep it as tight as you can. Now you have to tie that fucker up. It's the only way you're going to keep it all together and keep the bacon close to and covering the roast. Use some butcher's string and tie it with loops every couple of inches. This is a bad example as my roast wasn't uniform in circumference but you get the idea.

Now it's time for cooking and I decided to use the rotisserie on my grill. People, I can not tell you how important this is, invest in that add-on for your grill. Pay for the extra burner and all that shit. Yes it's a little awkward at first but you will never have juicier or tastier roasts and chickens in your life. Plus, it's so easy. The rotisserie uses both direct and indirect heat so you get a lovely sear on the outside which keeps all the juices on the inside and, because of the rotation, the meat bastes itself.  Because of the direct/indirect method, you can also cook at awesomely low heats while still getting that gorgeous caramelization that we're all looking for. You can certainly roast it in the oven if you wish, but make sure you have a rack in the bottom of the roasting pan and you leave the roast uncovered. You'll also probably have to increase your heat to about 300F in order to crisp the bacon. You could also roast it on your grill sans roasting pan by way of indirect heat.

I Spit-roasted this sexy bitch for about four hours at 200 F and it worked perfectly. Actually, I cooked it to a medium/medium-well which I usually wouldn't do but there were children present and I was a virgin when it comes to wrapping my meat (That's a lie, I forgot about it for a bit). This brings us to another lesson: get a fucking meat thermometer! Not only can you stab people with them at the movies but you can stick them in your roast, chicken or turkey and they will tell you exactly how well it's done. Please note: always cook your roast/chicken/turkey to just a hair below where you want it. It will continue cooking while you let it rest (we'll get to resting in a moment). I know you're not stupid, but, use a drip pan if you're doing this on the grill. If you don't, the next time you fire that fucker up you may as well pre-warn the fire department. So, when the roast is almost done, remove it from the heat and/or take it out of the pan and place it on a cutting board to rest.

 

 You know you want me

 Resting allows all those sexy juices to absorb back into the meat and it will finish the cooking process. You want to leave any meats you grill or roast to rest for about 7-10 minutes and that includes fowl and steaks. After you're sexy swine-slathered stud has rested, slice it up. Don't slice it thin like a roast, slice it like you were cutting a steak for grilling. That way you get a lovely layer of bacon that hasn't been shredded by your futile attempts at fuck-cuttery. Another note, real meat lovers don't use electric knives. You spent fifty bucks on a vibrating piece of metal when you could have gotten a perfectly good slicer for the same price. So buy the good knife, then learn to sharpen it. Look, is advertising ever wrong?

Now we come to the best part, the consumption. Use a fork and knife as people expect you to use something called 'manners'. I'm unfamiliar with the term as I've never seen them demonstrated.

It's ok if you want to put your dick/clit in it.

Oh yeah, the potatoes! Those were good too! About an hour and a half before the roast is done, dump a small bag of new potatoes in a mixing bowl. Go and get about six tablespoons of the drippings out of the pan under the roast and toss with the potatoes. (You cannot use the drippings as gravy as they're too fatty so don't even try.) Put the potatoes on a foil covered baking sheet and pop them in the oven at 350F. Feel free to add whatever bacon leavin's you have to the cookie sheet too. About twenty minutes before the roast is done, pull the potatoes out of the oven and put them back in the bowl. Add a few tablespoons of dijon mustard, herbs (I used the same kind as on the roast but dill is excellent) a pat of butter, garlic powder, salt and pepper. I also added fresh mushrooms because that's how I roll. Mix, toss them back in the oven for the remaining twenty minutes and serve. Devine.

The aftermath was that the bacon was fabulously smokey but not too salty and was almost like a moist and tender jerky. It added just the right amount of seasoning to the roast and kept it brilliantly tender while not being greasy at all. The herbs were a lovely accent that permiated the entirety of my mouth and the slight bitterness of the dijon potatoes contrasted perfectly with the savory flavours of the bacon and the heady taste of the tenderloin.

Final rating: 8 out of 10 arteries.

StabbyMart: promoting coronaries so we can sell you a defective heart valve.

Doran and Jacquie's World Famous Greek Ribs

This is the first time I've posted a recipe on this joint, mainly becuase MySharona has got that shit on lock. (seriously baby, the offer still stands) But in the interest of passing along a favourite of every single person I've ever served them to, getting you laid and keeping Skitz happy I'm going to share. This recipe originated with my wife's ex-boyfriend's father who was a good chef in his own right but honestly, greek ribs are pretty standard fare wherever you go (That is not to say that some aren't better than others.) so I tweeked the shit out of it. These take time but it's not too much of a commitment as you can walk away and let them cook in their own greeky deliciousness while you are doing other things. I need to warn you though, get an Arm and Hammer deodorizer before you make them. They fucking reek of awesomeness. (No seriously, they stink so good they'll impregnate the rest of your food with their spermatazoa of flavour.

The recipe is totally variable dependant on how many racks you make and your personal tastes I'm doing six small racks today do that's what I'm going to preach. My measurements are purely estimated as I can't remember the last time I actually measured something while I was cooking. Measuring is for baking, not making sweet meaty love to ones palate. You're going to have to use your nose because I hear Trychinosis is a bitch.

Your marinade ingredients:

• Pork back ribs (how many is totally up to you)
• Beer or another tasty beverage of your choosing. (of course this is purely to keep you hydrated)
  
• Olive oil
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder
  
• Worchesterschirederborkborkbork sauce
• Oregano
• Club House Greek Seasoning (you can just use oregano but this adds a nice depth)
• Fresh ground black pepper (if you don't have a pepper mill, shoot yourself and save me the trouble)
  
• Lemon Juice (bottled is fine for the marinade)

 Your finishing touches:

• Taipan oyster sauce (I've used others and this one works best you may substitute but you're missing out)
• Two lemons (variable dependant on your love of lemony acidity)

 PREPARATION:

Alright, let's talk ribs people. You're spending a good amount of time on these so don't buy shitty meat. If you're shopping at the supermarket, the vacuum packed ones are usually good as they are a premium cut. If you're buying the ones in the styrofoam tray with the celophane; take a good look. If the end has been folded under, you're going to get that flap of meat that is useless. This is fine but cut that shit off as it won't cook well. Also, check the thick end; if you've got a bunch of small bones over the big ones , take a pass. The connective tissues make those ones quite tough. Ideally, you can go to a butcher and get a few racks of porky heaven. Butchers are the greatest as you can see exactly what you're buying. Don't fucking scrimp! I will fucking hunt you down and taint punch you if you fuck up my recipe!

Now, clean the ribs. Most ribs will have a membrane on the back side of them and I believe it should be removed. Use a figernail on one of the ends of the bone to get it started (kind of like peeling the price sticker off of something) then work your finger under the membrane to the other side. Now you grab and rip that fucker off! Sometimes the ribs are already cleaned (you'll know if you can pick off the fat) or your butcher can do it for you. Now wash them under cold water and pat dry with paper towels. Put a couple racks in a long flat dish (I use a pyrex baking pan for a few or a aluminum roaster for a lot) and rub them with olive oil on both sides (the rest of the instructions also pertain to both sides. You can be agressive as all you're doing is beginning to break down the connective tissues. Next, douse them in lemon juice. Yes you're making a pool in the bottom of the pan, this is a good thing. Shake a liberal amount of Wort on both sides, then garlic powder (you know how much you like) then about a quarter teaspoon of onion powder per rack, then pepper (once again, you know) then equal measures of oregano and greek seasoning. When you're done, the seasonings should have a distinct presence but not totally coat the ribs. Stick your nose in there. You should smell a funky, garlicy, worty mess and taste the citric acid on the back of your tongue. Make sure you stack them with the meaty (front) part down in that soup and front to back. since they're curved, the juices will pool on the back side of the ribs allowing the front side to marinate.Wrap those fuckers up and stick them in the fridge for at least 24 hours. Now, every eight hours or so you'll have to move shit around and baste those racks that are not on the bottom.

Due to a lack of measurements, this is how they should look.

This is an idea of how much marinade we're dealing with.

COOKING:

These have to be cooked with indirect heat so depending on the type of grill you have, you may have to turn on one side or the front/back burner. Preheat your grill to between 250 and 300 F. As long as you're within this range you should be cool but it will effect the flavour and texture a bit. You may want to have a drip pan under the side you're going to put the ribs on as things are going to get messy.  Open the fridge, does it smell like a garlicy greek-bomb went off? Congratulations, you did it right. Now, if you have a rib/roast rack, you're fucking golden! If you don't have one don't worry, lay those puppies down on the cool side of the grill. Try not to overlap or stack them but if you're making a huge mess of them it may be unavoidable you'll just have to remember to rotate them. Now walk away. Hey! I said walk away! Come back and check the temperature every once in a while, you don't want it to get hot.

The left is hot, the right is not.

By now, you should have a tasty slurry at the bottom of your marinade pan. If you throw this away I'm pretty sure you hate babies, puppies and freedom. Put that in a bowl or some other more manageable vessel as this is your basting liquid. Every hour or two, go back and rotate those bad boys. No matter what type of grill you have, the ribs closest to the heat and the side of the grill are going to cook faster. Just move 'em around to spread the joy. Now baste them with your marinade. Seriously, just slop that tangy love on there, I told you it'd be messy.  You're probably wondering about cooking time and I wish I could give you an accurate answer but, as the time is dependant on the heat and the size and amount of the ribs, it will take anywhere from 3.5 to 5 hours.You'll know they're done when you try to pick them up and they break. People, listen to me, you're making sweet foody love here, they will be done when they're done. If you're really desperate you can turn the heat up after the first couple of hours but I want you to know that you have hurt my soul.

 Yeah, they're done.

FINISHING:

So you've basted and rotated three or four times and now it'sget close to the time for eating. If you've done it right, the rack of ribs should almost or actually break in half when you pick them up. The best ribs I ever made were hell to prepare because they kept falling apart. Take them out of the rack and lay them flat. This next step is purely optional but I do it to add a little char. Turn your heat up to a medium and move the ribs to the hot side of the grill. Char both sides of every rack for about two minutes per side. Then move them back to the cool side. Right now, you could eat those fuckers and they'd be damn tasty. But we're not going for tasty here, we're going for Nirvana (sans shotgun). Take the oyster sauce and brush it liberally on both sides of every rack then close the lid and wait for five minutes for the sauce to heat. Listen up! Under no circumstances do you put the oyster sauce on during cooking or when the ribs are on the hot side of the grill! The sauce has too much sugar in it  and will burn quicky and and turn into a charred crusty abomination.

 Now, take those slabs of heaven  and slap them on a big-ass cutting board and get yourself a big-ass bowl to put 'em in. Slice each and every rib to separate them all and toss 'em in the bowl. They may not cut very well as they should be falling apart, do your best.

See. You can peeel the meat off of the bone.

Slice one of the fresh lemons in half and squeeze over the ribs, mix with the tongs and squeeze another lemon in there. Throw a couple of wedges in the bowl for those that like more lemon and dig the fuck in. I should mention that your grill will be a disaster so you might want to burn it off. If you don't, you'll be tasting greek ribs in all your food for the next three weeks. Please, enjoy; you can thank me with sexual favours later.

I made five racks, all that's left is bones and memories.

*Please note: these ribs will get you laid. Probably not on the day you make them as meat comas are a side effect , but eventually you'll get some.

Fuck, that was long. Thanks for reading, but I have to go have a meat nap. No, not with you gp.

A Prologue

Tomorrow I'm going to be making a blog post that is extremely long, pretentious and probably a little self indulgent. It's not  earth shattering, it's not going to cure cancer and it's certainley not going to rid the world of Stephanie Meyer; but it may change your life.

See, I'm a pretty hardcore foodie. I love food. I adore food. If I had my druthers, I would spend most of my time in a kitchen making food. Hell, that's what I did for six years. The problem with that was that I didn't get to sit down and enjoy it with the people I love. I love it so much I hosted Christmas for both families last year on consecutive days and, even though it killed me, I revelled in every minute of it. There is nothing I enjoy more than spending the day in front of the TV (shush, I'm food safe) preparing dinner in a leisurely fashion in anticipation of a terrific meal. Also,  if there is a break for nookie, so much the better.

I enjoy when people post status updates saying what they're eating and I enjoy telling people what I'm concocting. I've really gotten a lot of ideas from the facebook and have put them to good use.* So, since I'm making my family's favorite dish tomorrow, I'm going to share. I'm also doing it so Skitz doesn't tear off my duadenum and make a lovely jerky out of it. I'm sorry if I come across as an ass tomorrow, but I take my food seriously because I usually put a lot of effort, time and love into my creations. This particular recipe took me eight years to perfect and I'll be damned if you're going to fuck it up.

* MySharona absolutely kills me. I have a ridiculous fondness for southern, cajun and creole food and it seems that that's all she makes. I've asked her to marry me but polygamy is illegal in the U.S. and she refuses to move to Canada. Also, I'd like to try Skitz' Macho Nachos but in a totally non-sexual way.