Thursday, January 21, 2010

Observations Pt. 1

For the purpose of these posts I'm just going to assume that Orlando is a fair and reasonable cross-section of all of The United States of America. Therefore, if they do it here, they do it everywhere. I know that this is a perfectly valid application of stereotyping so, quite frankly, if the rest of America doesn't like it: sack the fuck up and fix it because people are kind of stupid down here. Honestly, it's bordering on retardation. Either that, or I need to work on my extra-sensory perception.

1. Turning signals are for fucking losers.

Americans expect that you will not only know what lane they are moving into, when they are turning and where they are turning; but you should also be able to interpret the urgency with which they need to do any of the preceeding actions. What I will give Americans credit for is that when you do turn on your signal, they immediately make room. I'm guessing that this is a reaction to a form of stimuli that they've never been exposed to. The light starts flashing and they have no idea what the fuck you're going to do.

2. Americans wish they had Canadian money but they're too goddamn proud to just admit it.

As much as they may make fun of us for it, Americans envy our ability to determine monetary sums by colour. The fact that I have to actually look at the denomination of a bill to determine how many ones I want to get back is stupid. America has finally realized that looking at numbers is dumb and also that 78.4% of Americans can't recognize a '5' anyways, so they've started colouring their money. But just a little. Because they want to appear like they don't actually need to colour their money due to awesomeness. A little known fact: The IRS loses 892 billion dollars a year because they think twenties are actually fifties.

3. Gay is universal.

It doesn't matter what country you're from or what language you speak, The Gay is like barbecue, you can smell it a mile away. there's also a lot of meat involved). I am extremely happy to note that my gaydar is still a finely tuned instrument, Geep won't be springing any surprises on me anytime soon. Also, my eldest daughter's Gay-sense is as fine an instrument as my own.

4. Sorry, I'm from Canada.

A term that gets you out of trouble without any reprecussions. I've used it five times already and have gotten the same reaction every time. "Oh, well that's ok". It seems that Americans are incapable of understanding that foreigners in their country know exactly what they're doing. "Sir, you can't smoke there." Sorry, I'm Canadian. "Sir, you can't take your drink out of the restaraunt." Sorry, I'm Canadian. "Sir, the staff don't appreciate it when you call them whores and then ask them what the going rate is for a blumpkin." Sorry, I'm Canadian. (It's $86.23 by the way).

5. De-regulated Liquor Is Stupid.

I'm sure that Capitalism is great and everything, but the fact that I have to go to two different places to get my liquory fix is complete bollocks. I can get damn near any type of beer and wine I want at a grocery store but then I have to go to a "liquor" store for the high-test? Yeah yeah, "Stupid Canadian, you can get beer at liquor stores." I know this, motherfucker. However Coors Light, Bud Light, Corona and beer with fucking fruit in it is NOT good beer. Neither is Molson Canadian or Labbat Blue even though it's 'imported'.

6. Everybody Who Works In The Service Industry Is Way Too Happy.

For fuck's sake! I get it! Tourism is a big part of Orlando's economy. But it's like there was a sale at Doctor Cowhides Fake Smile Imporium and Eatery. Are you really this happy to see me? I'm a white-ass Canadian rolling into your store/restaraunt/ride/ with three kids and some grandparents. I'm not your ideal customer and, in fact, I'm going to cock punch you if you giggle at me one more time or drop a "hey folks" when you approach my demon-spawn again. I swear, if I don't see some tasty fucking rage soon, I'm going to drop my own and then I'm going to jail and then I'm calling in the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen.

7. Disney Likes Anal, Without Lube.

Disney is the top. You are the bottom. And you'll pay Disney to fuck your ass with a mouse-eared dildo. You may as well just relax and take it like a man. A masculin, hairy, power bottom of a man.

8. Parents Are Idiots.

It would seem that Dinsey, in addition to scouring your rectum vigorously, also immediately reduces most parental IQ's by a factor of ten. Parents, your nine-year-old doesn not need a stroller. They do not need you to buy them every single fucking knick-knack that they see. Just because you paid a ridiculous amount of money for some make up, glitter and cheap-ass hair extensions to make your son/daughter look like a princess, doesn't mean he/she is. And finally: just because it is Disney, does not give you license to let your misplaced money shots run amok and fuck with my joint. I will put YOU over my knee and learn you some respect.

StabbyMart: Learning Amuricans How Canada Do.


  1. I lived in Europe for 4 years and I got used to being able to buy wine with my groceries (and for lovely prices). Our beer-to-wine ratio is way up since moving back.

  2. I think I must be a closet Canadian! I could have easily written this myself. In fact, every time I got into a car with my father, I rode him about the turn signal thing. What, it's too difficult to lift your pinky to knock that turn signal on? Is it arthritis? Senility?

    Frankly, I could live the rest of my life happily never going near Disney again. We do it for the kids, man.

  3. Keep in mind most of the people that are out and about where you are driving are foreigners, so they don't know how to use a fucking turn signal. You know what helps? A quick blast of your horn and a well timed flipping of the bird. Works every time.

    As for Disney, yeah, it sucks as an adult. That's why I only go during the Food and Wine Festival. It's an excuse to get wasted and absorb some culture (but really to get wasted!).

    As for liquor, you'll need to go to a Super Target or (shudder) Walmart. They have their separate liquor store right there in the store. Save you extra trips.

    That's all! Call me if you have any further Orlando bitching to do (and you will)...

  4. Shadows of DakaronJanuary 21, 2010 at 9:55 AM

    Yeah, you know what? Fuck Orlando. But the turn signal thing is universal (countryversal?). I swear that I will ram the next car that tries to jump in front of my car without using their turn signal. See that little lever three inches away from your fucking hand? USE IT, BITCH! My wife gets upset with me because I will deliberately speed up and hug the car in front of me to prevent Douchy McPeePants from just getting in without warning. Yeah, I see you looking, motherfucker. Eat me.

    Disney is awesome, but only if you remember that you're out in public, everybody is in the same boat you are, so rein your damn kids in and make sure they have the same fun everybody gets to. Yes, I understand this is your first time here. No, I don't care. Tell your kid to stop cutting ahead of me in line or I will end you.

    And the foreign thing works for Peruvians too :)
    "Hey, you can't just piss on the street here!" "Sorry, I'm from Peru, we do it there." "Oh, well, we don't...please stop pissing on my shoe, sir."

  5. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, buddy. Don't you DARE fling about those horrible accusations towards the rest of America.

    Florida is a simmering cesspot of stupidity, racism, ignorance, and the elderly. Saying that Orlando is a fair cross-section of the rest of the country is like saying Hitler is a fair representation of Austrians.

  6. Florida is home of the newlywed and nearly dead. Most of the dumbasses who can't afford Hawaii go to Florida...there's your problem right there.

    The rest of the country hates Florida. Why do you think we send all of the teenagers there for Spring Break? Duh...

  7. Bahhh haa haa haa haa ... Oh D ... I missed you.

  8. Can you imagine if the admin family was accidentally in Florida during Spring Break?


  9. I agree with everyone who dissed Florida. Dude, seriously not a good representation of America. But then I had trouble coming up with a place that would make America look good. Most Americans really are dumb. That's why when I lived in England and traveled in Europe I pretended to be Canadian. True story. American tourists are the worst.

    Welcome to our world!