Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Lesson on Wrapping Your Meat

On Sunday, just out of the blue, I up and decide to try something a little different for supper. I'll do this fairly often as I just like throwing some shit (not literally) together and seeing what comes out. For the most part, things tend to work out for the best but there has been the odd failure. We don't really talk about those. Being the red-blooded Canadian I am, I decided that there was nothing better than to stuff some meat in some other meat. I guess it wasn't really stuffing, it was more like enveloping a juicy cut of beef in the smokey and savoury heaven known as bacon. "Now why would you do that, Mr. Manager?" you may be asking. If you are actually asking that, please make a vigorous attempt at removing your tonsils with an eggplant. You're an idiot and have no business being here. The world will be better off never having to hear you speak again. The following is a brief outline of my odyssey to a swiney orgasm.

First, you need a roast. It doesn't really matter what kind but you should consider that it has to be cylindrical, not very fatty and of a reasonable circumference. They don't make two foot long slices of bacon and, while I believe that this is an affront to nature, I don't make the rules. I used the butt of a beef tenderloin which was about three pounds and twelve inches in circumference. It wasn't ideal as the shape isn't a cylinder and they tend to be tapered at both ends. Please keep in mind that you don't need to use beef; pork on pork isn't a hate crime, it's a crime of passion.

If you're using a tenderloin, they usually aren't cleaned. You have to tear and slice off all of that lovely viscera so you don't end up with tender deliciousness on top of a layer of rubber. A good rule to follow is "if it's shiny, cut it off." This rule does not apply to my junk. If you've got a prepared roast (one that's been cleaned and trussed by the butcher) you're good to go. Lay out a layer of way paper to put the bacon on as this will help with the rolling process. Next, lay out the strips of bacon vertically. Use as many strips as you need to equal the width of your roast. Now the tricky part; weave more bacon horizontally through the vertical bacon. The easiest way is to simply fold back every second piece of vertical bacon, lay the horizontal piece down and fold the vertical strips back down. Alternate the vertical strips until you end up with what we have below. You may have to stretch the bacon a bit to make it reach but that's just fine.

 Fuck the pill, I choose pork!

 So now we have what I call the bacon matrix. It's as good as the Wachowski's Matrix but without all the Keanu aftertaste. Next take some herbs, pepper, garlic, and whatever else you may think will work and put it on that porcine delight. It doesn't matter if you use fresh or dried seasoning. I used fresh garlic, sage, basil, oregano, mushrooms and cracked pepper. DO NOT USE SALT! The bacon is salty enough on its own. By the way, get a mortar and pestle, you can mash up some brilliant things with apothecary tools. When done, you get something like this:

 Now slap your meat down about four inches from one end of that bitch. Take the edge of the wax paper and fold it over the roast. Now roll it all up (peeling the wax paper off of the bacon as you go) like you're rolling a nice, tight fatty. Really, keep it as tight as you can. Now you have to tie that fucker up. It's the only way you're going to keep it all together and keep the bacon close to and covering the roast. Use some butcher's string and tie it with loops every couple of inches. This is a bad example as my roast wasn't uniform in circumference but you get the idea.

Now it's time for cooking and I decided to use the rotisserie on my grill. People, I can not tell you how important this is, invest in that add-on for your grill. Pay for the extra burner and all that shit. Yes it's a little awkward at first but you will never have juicier or tastier roasts and chickens in your life. Plus, it's so easy. The rotisserie uses both direct and indirect heat so you get a lovely sear on the outside which keeps all the juices on the inside and, because of the rotation, the meat bastes itself.  Because of the direct/indirect method, you can also cook at awesomely low heats while still getting that gorgeous caramelization that we're all looking for. You can certainly roast it in the oven if you wish, but make sure you have a rack in the bottom of the roasting pan and you leave the roast uncovered. You'll also probably have to increase your heat to about 300F in order to crisp the bacon. You could also roast it on your grill sans roasting pan by way of indirect heat.

I Spit-roasted this sexy bitch for about four hours at 200 F and it worked perfectly. Actually, I cooked it to a medium/medium-well which I usually wouldn't do but there were children present and I was a virgin when it comes to wrapping my meat (That's a lie, I forgot about it for a bit). This brings us to another lesson: get a fucking meat thermometer! Not only can you stab people with them at the movies but you can stick them in your roast, chicken or turkey and they will tell you exactly how well it's done. Please note: always cook your roast/chicken/turkey to just a hair below where you want it. It will continue cooking while you let it rest (we'll get to resting in a moment). I know you're not stupid, but, use a drip pan if you're doing this on the grill. If you don't, the next time you fire that fucker up you may as well pre-warn the fire department. So, when the roast is almost done, remove it from the heat and/or take it out of the pan and place it on a cutting board to rest.

 You know you want me

 Resting allows all those sexy juices to absorb back into the meat and it will finish the cooking process. You want to leave any meats you grill or roast to rest for about 7-10 minutes and that includes fowl and steaks. After you're sexy swine-slathered stud has rested, slice it up. Don't slice it thin like a roast, slice it like you were cutting a steak for grilling. That way you get a lovely layer of bacon that hasn't been shredded by your futile attempts at fuck-cuttery. Another note, real meat lovers don't use electric knives. You spent fifty bucks on a vibrating piece of metal when you could have gotten a perfectly good slicer for the same price. So buy the good knife, then learn to sharpen it. Look, is advertising ever wrong?

Now we come to the best part, the consumption. Use a fork and knife as people expect you to use something called 'manners'. I'm unfamiliar with the term as I've never seen them demonstrated.

It's ok if you want to put your dick/clit in it.

Oh yeah, the potatoes! Those were good too! About an hour and a half before the roast is done, dump a small bag of new potatoes in a mixing bowl. Go and get about six tablespoons of the drippings out of the pan under the roast and toss with the potatoes. (You cannot use the drippings as gravy as they're too fatty so don't even try.) Put the potatoes on a foil covered baking sheet and pop them in the oven at 350F. Feel free to add whatever bacon leavin's you have to the cookie sheet too. About twenty minutes before the roast is done, pull the potatoes out of the oven and put them back in the bowl. Add a few tablespoons of dijon mustard, herbs (I used the same kind as on the roast but dill is excellent) a pat of butter, garlic powder, salt and pepper. I also added fresh mushrooms because that's how I roll. Mix, toss them back in the oven for the remaining twenty minutes and serve. Devine.

The aftermath was that the bacon was fabulously smokey but not too salty and was almost like a moist and tender jerky. It added just the right amount of seasoning to the roast and kept it brilliantly tender while not being greasy at all. The herbs were a lovely accent that permiated the entirety of my mouth and the slight bitterness of the dijon potatoes contrasted perfectly with the savory flavours of the bacon and the heady taste of the tenderloin.

Final rating: 8 out of 10 arteries.

StabbyMart: promoting coronaries so we can sell you a defective heart valve.


  1. Stop it. You're making me look bad. My wife is drooling over your meat. I. Hate. You.

    (fucks off to find rotisserie)

  2. You know what would be great? Demonstrating this on video. Maybe even posting it on the world wide webbernets. Kind of like your very own cooking show!

  3. Ahhh ... bacon basket weaving, red meat and a sessy bitch cookin' ... pass the captain and I am yours ... no really ... you'll need penicillin to get rid of me :)

    Have you given any thought to bigamy???

  4. I want to have your beef babies.

  5. I'm waiting for your show on food network. Seriously, that's one I'd watch. I'll have to try the bacon matrix, as I usually just use strips (who knew you could weave bacon, sheer genius, I tell you). Try this with goose. My husband likes to shoot the poor buggers so I'm always trying to come up with new ways to cook them. Bacon wrapped roast goose is one (although I use my oven on broil to sear the bacon at the end) and goose enchiladas are the best so far.


  6. Thanks for this! I will now expect my husband to recreate this heavenly looking dish, for all of the company we have this weekend. OK maybe a bit harsh- but soon, very soon.....

  7. Dude ... you so need to check this guy out.

    Very funny ... and almost as enjoyable to read as you ... not quite, but almost.

    Miss ya

  8. oh sweet mary mother of whomever.

    mind. blown.