Monday, September 14, 2009


As many of you know, I'm a parent. I have three beautiful daughters and a dog. I have been a parent for over nine years now and have honed my instincts into a fine set of skills that should render any offspring immediately insane and irreparably damaged for their future partners. I don't know if I'm like other parents in the way that I do things and, quite frankly, I don't fucking care. Many of those who have seen me in action strongly disagree with how I run this joint but I suspect that there may be a hint of jealousy behind their criticism.

See, I'm old school. I spank, I make them use their manners, they have rules, they have chores, they get punished and so on and so forth. The world doesn't owe you anything and it's sure as hell not going to give you anything for free. Most people don't have an issue with this particular aspect of my parenting although it has been called into question from time to time. No, the issue seems to lie with what I allow my kids to do with their free time and specifically what I let them watch on tv and which movies I let them see.

I subscribe to the philosophy of: "as long as you get your shit done, I don't care what you do". Of course, there are restrictions and limitations that are appended to this philosophy. For example, if I feel that they have been spending too much time watching tv or playing video games, I'll make them go and read. It's all about balance, friends. Balance. I'll let them watch whatever they want within reason and, hell, I'll let them watch whatever I want. Of course I'm not going to pop in Dirty Debutantes Vol. 164: Stacey Goes Equine, but they do watch shows like Futurama, The Simpsons, South Park, HIMYM, BattleStar Galactica, Robot Chicken and so on. They've watched movies chalk full of violence, nudity, foul laguage and other such unsavory attributes. They've even seen giant blue peen! For Godtopus' sake, one of their favorites is SuperTroopers! Every time my parents or in-laws or somebody else is at our house and the kids are watching something they deem inappropriate all I hear is "you let them watch that?" My response is always "Yes. It does really seem to have done a lot of damage hasn't it? They don't seem very well adjusted at all."/sarc

As I'm sure you've noticed, every tv show and every movie comes with a rating. From "G" all the way up to X (unfortunately we don't have any of those kinds of theaters here). Now they even have little written warnings under the ratings. My personal favorite is "possible sex off screen." That's right, we now have to warn people about the potential for sex never mind the actual presence of the beast with six and a half backs. So let's look at one of these ratings in particular, people. Let's look at the PG rating. We all know what PG stands for. It stands for Parental Guidance.

I feel that the demon spawn are more than capable of watching programming that some would consider inappropriate as long as my wife and/or I are watching it with them to explain what they are watching. You know, Parental Guidance. For example: "Honey, you know that zombies are fictional and you shouldn't hit people with a cricket bat, right? At least until the apocolypse actually occurs". Or, "Babygirl, you understand that the words Paul Rudd is screaming at Jason Segel aren't appropriate to say to your teachers, right?" (I should mention that I curse like a sailor afflicted with Tourettes and we call these "Daddy Words"). So far, this has worked out rather well. My kids are polite, well mannered and don't call their teachers "fucking throat spelunkers" even though I do.  Please don't misunderstand, my kids watch a bunch of regular childrens programming as well.  Such quality productions as: iCarly, Hannah Montana, The Lion King 4 & 13/22nds, Bratz The Little Mermaid: Bitch Got A Tail Again and all that other tripe. I honestly have to wonder if these shows do more damage than the ones I let them watch. Hence, I think it is my parental duty to counteract the brain molestation that these reprehensible studio executives are forcing on our youth. Also, Sarina, I suspect that watching these shows may actually be the source of some of your neurosis.

The greatest advantage that my policy on the viewing of entertainment media has, is that the conversations with your children can become so much more rewarding. When I look at one of the supposed fruit of my loins and say "Timmmay!" they immediately know that I'm telling them they've done something retarded. When they come to the supper table and boldly pronounce "Milk was a bad choice!" I know that they would have preffered a different beverage. When my wife looks at the large, bleeding laceration on one of their legs, asks what happens and gets the reponse "Tis but a scratch", we know that it's not that bad. But the absolute best is those situations in which all the knowledge that you've helped to impart through inappropriate tv and movie viewing results in a conversation that blows your mind.

Wife - Did the girls tell you that they decided what they want to be for Halloween?
Me - No. *turns to the mailman's children* What did you decide you wanted to be?
Good One (9 yrs.) - I want to be a zombie!
Bad One - (6 yrs.) - I want to be an evil fairy!
Undetermined (1 month) - Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Me - *Sniff* That's....that's awesome.

Now, aside from wondering how I explain my kids appearence to the Quakers at their school, I was pretty damn proud. Then this happened a short while later:

Bad One - Good One! You should be a vampire!
Me - Not a chance, vampires are pussies.
Bad One - How can they be pussies? They drink peoples blood!
Me - Have you seen Twilight?
Bad One - No.
Me - The vampires fucking sparkle in the sunlight.
Bad One - Vampires can't go in the sun. And they DON'T sparkle.
Me - Exactly.
Bad One - *after considering this revelation* I guess that vampires are just bloody pussies.
Me - Bwhahahahahahaha!

StabbyMart: Rearing your children right.


  1. On a scale of 1 to 4 "Coffee Shooting Out of My Nose"'s, this one gets a 4.
    A man who knows how to bring up children to be fun, funny, open-minded and free-spirited is a national treasure.
    My 15 year old daughter would LOVE your girls!
    Excellent post... and I'm recommending it to Mrs. Spender as a "must read".

  2. I would definitely deign to see your particular version entry in The Little Mermaid saga. Sounds sassy.

    I hope that my future children will be so culturally and Pajibally aware. You fucking rock my world.

  3. damnit! i wanted to be an evil fairy! but i will NOT be showed up by a 6 year old.

  4. My dad had me watching Ren and Stimpy and the Simpsons before I started elementary school, so you've got a tiny example of how your theory works out in practice walking around. I suspect his choices would've run far racier, but my mom reigned him in.

    Also, never underestimate the warping one child can inflict on another. Don't tell my younger brother I said that.

  5. HA! I love your kids. Also you. And your wife.

    Well, this cuts it. I am definitely moving to Canadialand.

  6. I am vaguely reconsidering having kids, but only if they can wind up as fucking awesome as yours.

  7. Ah, we have very similar parenting styles. We're also strict in the Snuggiepants household, but with TV, movies, books, etc, it's always been a matter of "not a hill I care to die on, thanks."

    Little Snuggie (who isn't so little anymore, at just a few inches shorter than me) has handled everything just fine. Kids sort of censor on their own, anyway, stuff they feel on a gut-level they can't handle. At least mine always has. For a hot second recently I thought "should I be concerned about the explicit versions of songs she has on her ipod?" Then I thought "hell, she's already HEARD it all. What difference would it make if I suddenly became Conservative Mom?"

    For Halloween the year she was nine, she insisted on going as Richard Nixon. In drag. I have photos.

    Mr. Stabbymart and Mrs. Stabbymart: fine job you are doing there.

  8. Totally Awesome!

    Please sir, could you post another?


  9. You spank your kids! OMGWTFBBQROFLCOPTER.

    Sorry, someone had to do it. Eh, I got spanked. Did me a world of good--I learned how to get my brothers in trouble.

    Your girls do sound quite awesome. If I'm ever up in canadialand, I'm hanging out with them, not you.

  10. We spank in our household also. But rarely the child. Just sayin'.