Friday, October 16, 2009


So I floated the idea of the kids joining the Cannonball II: How Do You Do bye my wife and the two girls. As suspected, the eldest jumped at the chance and even asked if it was ok if she read more than one book a week. (cue fatherly pride) Of course it's alright to rad more than one. Unfortunately for her father, she's going to make me look bad by finishing the damn contest in twenty weeks or so. She's required to read books that are age appropriate or higher, no comics and has to write ten book reports/reviews. I'll post the odd one up here so you can bask in the cuteness.

The middle daughter was, let us say, less than enthusiastic. Her initial response was disbelief, quickly followed by "I don't think I want to do that". When I asked her why she said it was because she didn't think she could read very well. I assure you this is not the case. I asked her how she thought she would get better if she didn't practise and what she was going to do when she got older and couldn't read very well? Both her mother and I told her that she could read quite well for her age and so she agreed to do it too but we had to do a lot of prodding. She also has to give us an oral report on the book to prove she read it.

I should probably mention something about the bad one. She's smart, stubborn and devious. She knows that if she slacks off, usually somebody will do whatever needs doing for her, usually her sister (Smart!). Once we made her clean up her room, for two days! Finally, Jacq decided she'd had enough and made Baddy sit in the corner for half an hour then sent her back to clean her room. This happened four times until finally Jacq asked her whether she wanted to clean her room or sit in the corner. She chose the corner. When I came home she had been there a couple of hours (Stubborn!).  I knew that this tactic wasn't going to work as I would've done the same thing as Baddy (we are very much alike) so I tried a different tactic. I told her she wasn't eating anything until her room was clean. It was done in half an hour.

Now the deliciously devious part of her personality. My wife and I were sitting in the living room, watching tv while the girls were in the bath tub. All of a sudden we hear this spine-tingling screech from the bathroom liek somebody was strangling an sopprano abino cat. We, of course, figured someone slipped or otherwise got hurt and went rushing in. Baddy was crying and we could see a pretty hard bite mark on her arm. We questioned Goody as to why she would bite her sister to which she responded that she didn't. Of course we don't believe her and continue to press for information. Now Goody is like her mom, a terrible liar, so as she sticks to her story for a good ten minutes we looked into the matter a little further. After rocking some serious CSI shit we concluded that Baddy had, in fact, bitten herself hard enough to leave deep indentations and bruising in order to get her sister into trouble. Did I mention she was two at the time? Yeah, I can't wait until she hits the teenage years.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, both girls are CannonBalling and we've determined what the prize will be. If they both finish the fifty-two books in a year they will each get a $100.00 gift card to McNally Robinson (it's a book store). Goody was extatic, Baddy's reply was "So we win more books if we read all the books? Hmmmmm." So I did capitulate and told her she could buy something else, from the bookstore. HA! Game on, bitches.


  1. Baddy scares me. Especially since she's the same age as my son. They. Can. Never. Ever. Meet.

  2. A devious mind will lead to a wildly successful career, culminating with ascendancy to Prime Minister of Canada.
    Or, Evil Overlord of the Planet.
    Either way, WIN!

    (You two is teh gud parentz.)

  3. Ha! Yeah, I've got a touch of the stubborn too. Although I never bit myself to get my younger brother in trouble, it was more fun to psychologically torment him knowing that it would make him actually hit me and achieve the same goal.

    Last night on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart pimped a book written by someone who works there called "I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class President". I desperately want to read this for Cannonball read and afterwards will tell you if Bad One should read it too.

  4. My older sister used to get me in trouble all the fucking time. I remember one day she was hitting me in the back seat and all I kept saying was, "stop hitting me." Finally my dad heard it, watched in the rearview mirror and said to her, "Quit hitting him."
    "But he started it." Evil Sister
    "I don't care who started it." Dad
    She hits me.
    "Fine, Ty, next time she hits you ya have permission to hit her back."
    "That's not fair." Evil Sister
    "Life isn't fair." Dad
    She hits me.
    I nail the holy fuck out of her.
    "I didn't say that hard." Dad

    Not that I was picture perfect. I confessed to my mom the other day about washing our mouths out with soap. My mom always wondered why my sister would spit, gag, and cry. I would just sit there and look at her...calm as a hindu cow. I told her it was because when I took a bath I started brushing my teeth with soap to get used to the taste, build up a tolerance. I was 6.

  5. Oh, man ... I guts me one a those ... she's four - and has already mastered her evil plan laugh. I am a feared ...

    All I can say is: Good luck (to both of us)

  6. i don't think i need to tell you that i was the bad seed.
    she sounds lovely.

  7. Your story about Baddy sitting in the corner reminds me of the epic showdowns I'd have with my father at dinner time. We always had a vegetable side with our dinners, and whenever it was green beans or lima beans, I would flat-out REFUSE to eat it. My father would tell me, "You're going to sit there until you eat it." And so we would sit there, at the dinner table, for hours. My mother and brother would finish eating, he would wander off, she would clear the table, do the dishes, and then leave, and my father and I would still be sitting there. Sometimes he'd even go watch tv and leave me alone at the table.

    But one thing always ruined his plan: bedtime. There was no way he was going to let me stay up late (considered a treat) or ruin my sleep schedule (sleepy kids are cranky kids). So I considered that a win.

  8. HA. I was, like Rusty, ever so good at getting my little brothers into trouble. It was so easy! I would just torment him til he hit me, then run off to Daddy. I was Daddy's little girl, for sure.

    And I have also mastered the "let someone else get annoyed and do it for me" plan as well. It still works quite well. I reverted right back into it when I moved back home, too. WIN. I did the same thing in school--why study when I could get Bs without doing so?

  9. I would vote for Baddy in whatver endeavor she chooses to pursue. But I have a feeling that voting won't be necessary, no democracy needed for the hostile takeover.
    I was such a good kid (as far as anyone knew), that when I got in trouble I was shocked at being punished. One day I did something like, maybe, take my mother's contacts out of the case while she was napping in the living room. And dropped the contacts behind the couch. Just maybe. And I tried to deny it when she started looking for them, but I didn't have anyone else to blame it on. And I got a spanking! From my father! And I marched up to my mother and complained, arguing that I didn't GET spankings. Her response: "Apparently, you do."

  10. Smiley, bad, middle child is my favorite! I adore her!

    My much younger stepsister was our bad seed. She had pale, milk white skin and if she was pissed at me for something, she would smack the hell out of herself and get a big ol' red handprint on her face or leg and then run & tell her mom that I did it. Sometimes I *did* do it, but not often enough and that's not the point of this particular story...anyway, good luck with that one!

  11. Smiley Bad Middle Child is still more motivated than I am. She's cool. I bet she'll give the boys hell. You're probably just jealous that she's pre-empted your fatherly duties years in advance.

  12. I don't think I'm going to have a Goody. Fairly positive I'm going to end up with two Baddies.

    Unless Oliver ends up more like me, in which case it will be Baddy and Pussy. Evelyn will crush him under the weight of her evil machinations.