Wednesday, October 21, 2009


So tonight I have to attend what we term "the annual public meeting". I fucking loathe these grandoise wastes of my time and taxpayer money. Firstly; because nothing every really comes of them, secondly; becuase it gives every asshole an oppourtunity to open their mouths and spew whatever sewage they think is appropriate, and thirdly;  because it gives the elected officials (my bosses) a specific time to kiss ass and make a bunch of commitments that will never-ever be kept. Let me paint you a picture:

These meetings are in the town hall format because, well, this is a town (village, actually). Because of the recent presidential elections and the meeting on Universal Health Care, I'm sure that you are all familiar with this process. As I'm also sure you are aware, these meeting tend to bring out the uninformed assholes and the ignorant as well. You know, those people who have a bone to pick and need an audience to listen to them while they tear and masticate every rancid piece of flesh off of that poor femur. The difference in my situation is that, unlike Healthcare or one of the most historic elections in U.S. history, there is no issue. Seriously, some of the big-ticket items I've had my ass reamed over:
  • We need a cat bylaw because one keeps walking through our yard.
  • My neighbour's dog pissed on the snowman my kids made.
  • I don't like the way my neighbour parks his car.
  • The grader knocked over my mailbox. (which was situated too close to the road).
  • I think the town should let me park my fifth-wheel in the alley (thereby blocking all traffic).
And the piece de resistance:
  • I don't like the way the paperboy delivers my paper.
Now, don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate the need for elected officials to communicate with the public and have the public's concerns heard, but, are you fucking kidding me?! These are those types of pus-filled hemorrhoids that get up all blustery and make an issue out of something that isn't. They stand there shouting about their rights as a taxpayer to have the municipality rectify this grevious affront! They pay there taxes so therefore that gives them cart blanchè to act like an undignified goat spelunker and tell you exactly what your doing wrong and how you will fix it. Never mind that most of these issues could be addressed with just one little phone call.

But you feel the need to wait until you're in a room full of people to tell us about your pressing mailbox issue? Really? The municipality should be ashamed of it's obvious neglect because we don't cut your lawn and we had the audacity to send you a letter asking you to do it? We won't clean your driveway for you even though you have a perfectly functional musculatory system? We won't widen the road and your lane because your bus driver can't execute a three point turn? We refuse to act as a babysitting service because your so overprotective that you won't allow your child to walk 1/2 a block home without you?  Who the fuck do we think we are!? The Sultan of Moose Jaw!? We should be drawn, quartered, halved, then sixteenthed for our obvious distain of your basic human rights. How dare we ask that you actually do something for yourself!

Get fucked, you vomitous lakes of Paris Hilton's douche water! While you're bitching about your driveway, I'm trying to figure out how to get everybody to work. While you're pissy about your mailbox, I'm trying to figure out how to make sure you get emergency services if you need them. While you're bitching about the school bus (wrong office, by the way) I'm fighting to keep your school open. While you're precious baby can't manage walk his ten-year-old ass home, I'm.....well....... it's time to take the titty out the mouth, bitch.

I can understand that most people (and I mean most) can't see the big picture. I appreciate that in this day and age its hip to look out for #1. I am aware that colorectalcraniumism is a disease that rivals HIV in it's infection rate. But for fucking Jesoraptors sake, can we breed a little fucking common sense back into the species? Can we euthanize the fucktarded? Can we pig roast the ignorant with fish hook embedded Louiseville Sluggers? May we skullfuck the stupid with the phallus of intelligence?

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I literally have to perform calming exercises during these meetings. I have to say to myself,  "Ok D, deep breaths, count to five, pinch your leg, smack your junk". I'm sure you can relate, one has to be professional. Where I'd like to be "me" I can't. I have my bosses in the room and I have to consider how my behaviour reflects on them. I also have to consider that they are trying to be the biggest ass-suckers they can be and, if I were to tell a ball-gargler that they are a glorious pile of gonnorrhea, it could reflect negatively on The Lords. It's really quite painful to restrain oneself in such ways but, of course,  if they'd call me or come into my office, I'd be able to smack them with my schmack of sassy shrewdness and we could be done with this stupidity. I'd bruise a couple of eyes and bloody a nose or five but it would be problem solved. Alas, they have at me when my hands are tied and my satchels of Earl Grey are secured.


StabbyMart: Where Gin and Rage Mix Perfectly.


  1. Your misery brings howls of laughter and tears of joy!
    Honestly, I can't imagine how you put up with it but I'm glad that you can stay calm enough to entertain us with your travails.
    Best of luck, sir!

  2. Oh, how I adore your posts. They make my ever lovin' day!

    1)colorectalcraniumism - I'm stealin' it.
    2)"smackin' your junk may not actually qualify as appropriate public behavior ... so don't get caught.
    3)my "Lord" reflects badly on himself ... so I'm off the hook there.
    4)you are a glorious bastard - I heart you!



  4. The second to last paragraph? That is a campagin I can get behind.

    I too adore you and am left in tears. You're anger is a beautiful thing.

  5. Wow. I wish my biggest problem in life was the way my neighbor parks his car. Ridiculous. Those people need to count their frickin' blessings rather than annoy you with their petty concerns. Too bad that's not how the world really works....

  6. I doff my cap to you, Sir Admin, Lord of the Bile.
    (And I, too, am stealing 'colorectalcraniumism'