Tuesday, October 27, 2009

THE STABBYMART CATALOGUE

We here at StabbyMart are committed to providing you with the most pleasurable shopping experience. When you shop at our store, you will find only the finest items of death, pain and dismemberment. Please avail yourself of our complimentary Rascal scooters outfitted with the latest in flame-broiling technology. For your conveinience, they are also equipped with a multi-flavour liquor dispenser and our patented fetapult. Shopping at StabbyMart should be a pleasurable experience for you. Our other shoppers, however, should watch their bitch-asses, know their role and stay the fuck out of your way.

We at stabbymart understand that some people can't make it to our store in person. We sympathize with the shut-ins, fatties who can't fit through their front doors and World of Warcraft enthusiasts. In the interest of serving the losery side of the population, we've developed a seasonal catalogue that will allow these wastes of space to shop for their favorite items of torture and headblastoffness in the comfort of their own home. Mostly to use on themselves I would suspect but neverthless, they're almost people too. Now you might ask yourself "why, in this day and age, doesn't StabbyMart have a website?" Beacause FUCK YOU!, that's why.




Say hello to the Platinum Knuckled Expandable Sodomizer ($79.95). Do you hate rain? Do you hate people who make you go out in the rain? Do you hate people you randomly meet while standing in the rain? This little beauty comes with a solid platinum taint puncher, a 100% washable, kevlar prostate prober and can also double as an umbrella. Simply close the protective mushroom, insert and re-open to impart an excrutiating rectal rearranging. Guaranteed to expand colons by at least 50%.




Tired of having to take a cold shower? Sick of pulling massive gobs of wirey pubic hair out of the drain? Exasperated by shampoo bottles that have been used as dildos? Do we have the item for you! Meet the Loufa Of Exfoliating Death ($29.62). This little puppy looks like a regular loufa, feels like a regular loufa and even recieves a jolly good rogering like a regular loufa. What's the difference? Our patented process that infuses the loufa with a time-release acid treatment. They'll never know that they're actually applying a thin layer of caustic acid to their skin that won't trigger until an hour later. Watch in joy as this lovely loufa exfoliates then renders their flesh into a gruesome slurry of blood, guts and ass that would impress even the most discerning abbatoir.




 This trusty little fellow is the Ultimate Upper Management Defender ($216.58).  Give it as a gift when your on your bosses good side. Then force him or her to use it when they inevitably fire your lazy office supply stealing ass. Built of a lead/mercury alloy, it's slowly killing your pustuous hufflecunt of a boss even if they don't use it as it was intended. Giggle with glee as that skidshart lovingly caresses the asbestos infused grip and fingers the cyanide dipped trigger. But really, there is no satisfaction like watching that whore use The Defender as nature intended. Make sure that you get him good and scared, perhaps with your own weapon, and watch that motherfucker pull the trigger. You know she will, she's upper management. She couldn't tell her rancid valley from her cock chunnel if her life depended on it. And it does.




This cuddly little guy is a member of StabbyMart's specially trained Kitteh Death Squad ($128.92 each). These masters of disguise and subterfuge are trained in the arts martial as well as all other kinds of nefarious shit. The cat lady down the street won't fucking know what hit her when this little ball of cuddly armageddon walks through her door, fucks the alpha cat in the ass and disembowels Mrs. Pusseh with one swipe of it's razor sharp kitty claws. Also for use on those fucking annoying lolcat wusses. Yeah, your cat is cute, try stroking this feline, fuckface. StabbyMart also carries a wide selection of fully trained dogs, bunnies, howler monkeys and manatees for all your animal-lover murderin' needs.




Got a particularly annoying co-worker? Perhaps a employee with a terrible hair style? Just feel like fucking up a lot of people in a short amount of time? Well folks, this regal creature is The Headbadger ($1523.00). Produced by our special supplier jM, she has trained all of our headbadgers with a strict regimen of Hannah Montana's greatest hits, followed by sensory deprivation, inappropriate fondling and Grey's Anatomy marathons. This bad boy will tear off your scalp then make sweet, furry, clawy love  to your grey matter. They do have a tendancy to shred everything and everyone in the room so you should choose an empty, hosable facility or use a room that you don't plan on entering ever again. Works best on large groups of people such as a cubicle farm or on a subway.

WARNING: may become amorous after particularly lengthy bouts of carnage. In this case, just hold on and hope he doesn't perforate your lower intestine.


One of our Chartreuse Light Specials. This twelve pack of Stabbyblades (49.67) is a perfect gift for that husband that won't leave or that wife who won't let you. The closest shave that money can buy and a bargain at any price these cartridgas are so full of horse steroids that they won't know what hit them. Men will have their junk shrivle up to resemble baby Benjamin Button and women will have a schlong so long they may finally be able to do to themselves what you haven't been able to for  years. Also look for our habanero shaving cream in the skin care isle.



StabbyMart Stickynotes ($10.99 pack of 217). Say it like you mean it with these pre-printed stickynotes that come in a variety of colours. A note for every occasion and a saying that the recipient can tell is truly from the heart. Did you just diddle your best friends wife? There's a note for that. Just busted a nut in your best girls hair? There's a note for that. Accidentally stuck your tether-ball pole in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving thereby giving grandma a heart attack and your Aunt Gertrude more action than she's seen since Regan was in office? There's four notes for that. Honestly, how have you survived without these your whole life?




Professor StabbyMart's Ass-Blaster Deluxe Colon Cannon (Free with the purchase of Crackbaby Coke Chemistry Set). Have you ever felt not so fresh? Ever had that not so clean feeling? Me neither. But for the dirty, smelly, greasy, flatulent pustule of humanity in the office next to yours this is a god send. Admittedly, this particular device will require some effort on your part. This may stretch both your strength and your stomach to their very limits but the payoff is well worth it. Simply insert the EasyplugTM applicator into the offending persons anus and turn on the water. In a matter of moments you will  be able to observe the belly swelling like a water balloon until "POP!" their head comes right off like that creepy clown sprinkler I had as a kid. All that's left behind is the squeaky clean smell of vinegar and water. Oh, and a body. Please call our world renowned body disposal service for clean up. Only $71.25 per hour.

We hope that you have enjoyed your perusal of our wares and should you wish to order please call 1-888-555 -CUTABITCH.

StabbyMart: Cause we like pictures.

H/T to Danica Dragonfly for the idea.





8 comments:

  1. ..........................

    Wow.

    [Applause]

    I was going the question the pricing on your terribly dated Mach3 blades, but I suppose the horse steroids cost a pretty penny. I'm assuming these prices are in Canadollars, which are, of course, worthless.

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  2. You.R.Welcome ...

    and thank you, 'cause until you let me purchase franchise rights for the East, I am stuck with the damned catalog ...

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  3. Holy hell! I could actually use a few of these items right now. What's the Canadialand dollar conversion to actual (read: American) dollars?

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  4. do those anus cannons come in any other races?

    cause that is Black.

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  5. I would very much like The Headbadger, but I don't have that kind of money just lying around. Do you have a layaway program?

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  6. Summabitch, that is brilliant!

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  7. I don't have a layaway program, Lainey. I do, however have a lay program. Interested?

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  8. "My fingers smell like the inside of your mom."

    Greatest...thing...ever.

    ReplyDelete