Doran and Jacquie's World Famous Greek Ribs

This is the first time I've posted a recipe on this joint, mainly becuase MySharona has got that shit on lock. (seriously baby, the offer still stands) But in the interest of passing along a favourite of every single person I've ever served them to, getting you laid and keeping Skitz happy I'm going to share. This recipe originated with my wife's ex-boyfriend's father who was a good chef in his own right but honestly, greek ribs are pretty standard fare wherever you go (That is not to say that some aren't better than others.) so I tweeked the shit out of it. These take time but it's not too much of a commitment as you can walk away and let them cook in their own greeky deliciousness while you are doing other things. I need to warn you though, get an Arm and Hammer deodorizer before you make them. They fucking reek of awesomeness. (No seriously, they stink so good they'll impregnate the rest of your food with their spermatazoa of flavour.

The recipe is totally variable dependant on how many racks you make and your personal tastes I'm doing six small racks today do that's what I'm going to preach. My measurements are purely estimated as I can't remember the last time I actually measured something while I was cooking. Measuring is for baking, not making sweet meaty love to ones palate. You're going to have to use your nose because I hear Trychinosis is a bitch.

Your marinade ingredients:

• Pork back ribs (how many is totally up to you)
• Beer or another tasty beverage of your choosing. (of course this is purely to keep you hydrated)
  
• Olive oil
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder
  
• Worchesterschirederborkborkbork sauce
• Oregano
• Club House Greek Seasoning (you can just use oregano but this adds a nice depth)
• Fresh ground black pepper (if you don't have a pepper mill, shoot yourself and save me the trouble)
  
• Lemon Juice (bottled is fine for the marinade)

 Your finishing touches:

• Taipan oyster sauce (I've used others and this one works best you may substitute but you're missing out)
• Two lemons (variable dependant on your love of lemony acidity)

 PREPARATION:

Alright, let's talk ribs people. You're spending a good amount of time on these so don't buy shitty meat. If you're shopping at the supermarket, the vacuum packed ones are usually good as they are a premium cut. If you're buying the ones in the styrofoam tray with the celophane; take a good look. If the end has been folded under, you're going to get that flap of meat that is useless. This is fine but cut that shit off as it won't cook well. Also, check the thick end; if you've got a bunch of small bones over the big ones , take a pass. The connective tissues make those ones quite tough. Ideally, you can go to a butcher and get a few racks of porky heaven. Butchers are the greatest as you can see exactly what you're buying. Don't fucking scrimp! I will fucking hunt you down and taint punch you if you fuck up my recipe!

Now, clean the ribs. Most ribs will have a membrane on the back side of them and I believe it should be removed. Use a figernail on one of the ends of the bone to get it started (kind of like peeling the price sticker off of something) then work your finger under the membrane to the other side. Now you grab and rip that fucker off! Sometimes the ribs are already cleaned (you'll know if you can pick off the fat) or your butcher can do it for you. Now wash them under cold water and pat dry with paper towels. Put a couple racks in a long flat dish (I use a pyrex baking pan for a few or a aluminum roaster for a lot) and rub them with olive oil on both sides (the rest of the instructions also pertain to both sides. You can be agressive as all you're doing is beginning to break down the connective tissues. Next, douse them in lemon juice. Yes you're making a pool in the bottom of the pan, this is a good thing. Shake a liberal amount of Wort on both sides, then garlic powder (you know how much you like) then about a quarter teaspoon of onion powder per rack, then pepper (once again, you know) then equal measures of oregano and greek seasoning. When you're done, the seasonings should have a distinct presence but not totally coat the ribs. Stick your nose in there. You should smell a funky, garlicy, worty mess and taste the citric acid on the back of your tongue. Make sure you stack them with the meaty (front) part down in that soup and front to back. since they're curved, the juices will pool on the back side of the ribs allowing the front side to marinate.Wrap those fuckers up and stick them in the fridge for at least 24 hours. Now, every eight hours or so you'll have to move shit around and baste those racks that are not on the bottom.

Due to a lack of measurements, this is how they should look.

This is an idea of how much marinade we're dealing with.

COOKING:

These have to be cooked with indirect heat so depending on the type of grill you have, you may have to turn on one side or the front/back burner. Preheat your grill to between 250 and 300 F. As long as you're within this range you should be cool but it will effect the flavour and texture a bit. You may want to have a drip pan under the side you're going to put the ribs on as things are going to get messy.  Open the fridge, does it smell like a garlicy greek-bomb went off? Congratulations, you did it right. Now, if you have a rib/roast rack, you're fucking golden! If you don't have one don't worry, lay those puppies down on the cool side of the grill. Try not to overlap or stack them but if you're making a huge mess of them it may be unavoidable you'll just have to remember to rotate them. Now walk away. Hey! I said walk away! Come back and check the temperature every once in a while, you don't want it to get hot.

The left is hot, the right is not.

By now, you should have a tasty slurry at the bottom of your marinade pan. If you throw this away I'm pretty sure you hate babies, puppies and freedom. Put that in a bowl or some other more manageable vessel as this is your basting liquid. Every hour or two, go back and rotate those bad boys. No matter what type of grill you have, the ribs closest to the heat and the side of the grill are going to cook faster. Just move 'em around to spread the joy. Now baste them with your marinade. Seriously, just slop that tangy love on there, I told you it'd be messy.  You're probably wondering about cooking time and I wish I could give you an accurate answer but, as the time is dependant on the heat and the size and amount of the ribs, it will take anywhere from 3.5 to 5 hours.You'll know they're done when you try to pick them up and they break. People, listen to me, you're making sweet foody love here, they will be done when they're done. If you're really desperate you can turn the heat up after the first couple of hours but I want you to know that you have hurt my soul.

 Yeah, they're done.

FINISHING:

So you've basted and rotated three or four times and now it'sget close to the time for eating. If you've done it right, the rack of ribs should almost or actually break in half when you pick them up. The best ribs I ever made were hell to prepare because they kept falling apart. Take them out of the rack and lay them flat. This next step is purely optional but I do it to add a little char. Turn your heat up to a medium and move the ribs to the hot side of the grill. Char both sides of every rack for about two minutes per side. Then move them back to the cool side. Right now, you could eat those fuckers and they'd be damn tasty. But we're not going for tasty here, we're going for Nirvana (sans shotgun). Take the oyster sauce and brush it liberally on both sides of every rack then close the lid and wait for five minutes for the sauce to heat. Listen up! Under no circumstances do you put the oyster sauce on during cooking or when the ribs are on the hot side of the grill! The sauce has too much sugar in it  and will burn quicky and and turn into a charred crusty abomination.

 Now, take those slabs of heaven  and slap them on a big-ass cutting board and get yourself a big-ass bowl to put 'em in. Slice each and every rib to separate them all and toss 'em in the bowl. They may not cut very well as they should be falling apart, do your best.

See. You can peeel the meat off of the bone.

Slice one of the fresh lemons in half and squeeze over the ribs, mix with the tongs and squeeze another lemon in there. Throw a couple of wedges in the bowl for those that like more lemon and dig the fuck in. I should mention that your grill will be a disaster so you might want to burn it off. If you don't, you'll be tasting greek ribs in all your food for the next three weeks. Please, enjoy; you can thank me with sexual favours later.

I made five racks, all that's left is bones and memories.

*Please note: these ribs will get you laid. Probably not on the day you make them as meat comas are a side effect , but eventually you'll get some.

Fuck, that was long. Thanks for reading, but I have to go have a meat nap. No, not with you gp.